Just Between You and Me

2 Chronicles 20:22 “As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated.“

Happy Thursday—for you Friday! How was your day? My Thursday feels like…Thursday. It is midday so hopefully, I’m sliding down towards Friday, LOL.

It’s my lunch time at Heartfelt Creations. Usually during that time I’m praying or checking Facebook videos on food. Whatever I’m doing I’m usually walking. Today’s the same, but my attention span is lacking. I think Heavenly Dad is nudging me about my devotions this morning. I’d best refocus, settle my thoughts, and open my ears to hear His still small voice.

I shared with you that I’m reading through the Bible. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited or annoyed with my devotional time. I’m learning tons but my view of the people of Bible is changing. I always perceived the Bible as a book of perfect people that I have to live up to. Instead, it’s a bunch of people who constantly turn their backs on God. Part of me wonders: had they known all their mistakes would be published in a book to be read for centuries to come, would they have made the same choices?

They followed God. They didn’t follow God. They followed God. They didn’t follow God. When they didn’t follow God crap happened and then they called out to God, “Help me! Help me!“ It’s sort of annoying. I get so perturbed. God was in a cloud for them to see every day and a pillar of fire by night! How could they NOT follow when they didn’t need faith just EYESIGHT?!?!? I often air off to Eric. He tends to do a half-smile at me and then smirks,”For now…” when I complain, “Good grief they’ve turned their backs on God again!”

Then you have the kings that, “…did more evil than any other that came before him.” I can’t even guess how many times that’s been said. There were some seriously bad dudes in the old testament.

With that being said, it does help me keep perspective about loving myself. Do you ever have trouble doing that? Sometimes I feel like all I do is screw up and then say, “Help me! Help me!“ (Does that ring any bells?) At least I know I’m not alone AND thank God my goof ups won’t be documented for generations to come.

The passage above was in my devotions today and I thought it was quite interesting. King Jehoshaphat, who actually did follow God, found out that he was going to be attacked. There were several kings coming against him and he knew they were going to be slaughtered. They took this situation to the Lord and basically the Lord said, “I’ve got this.“

At the end of my Bible reading in the “What did you get out of this?“ I got a real positive. It was seriously cool because after God said “I’ve got this” Jehoshaphat went to the battlefield. He then appointed people to start worshiping and praising God—what?!? They had total and full trust and faith that God was in control. The passage says while they were worshiping and praising, God arranged an ambush for his enemies. They didn’t even have to battle, God did it for them!

When I pondered this to myself, I wondered if I ever had that much faith…? When something comes at me that I know I’m going to fail, I do pray. I may even not even have a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and everything is going to be fine. Now the question: do I automatically start praising Him even before I see the results? That would be a no.

When I contemplate further: have I ever had that much faith? The honest answer is also a painful “no.” Usually, I keep my focus on the enemy rushing towards me. My hands may be in my pockets but my mouth is probably still moving. The thoughts in my head, coming out of my mouth, are not “thank you”s but more of,” Wow, can those guys run! Heavenly Dad, you do have this, right?”“They’re getting pretty close there Heavenly Dad…“ As if I could tell the Creator of all how to do His job better than Him. Seriously?

The Absolute craziest part of this is the fact that I do know that He’s “got this“. In my twisted thought process what I am actually thinking is: “I mean I know you’re in control. Even if I’m defeated in battle, you’re going to work all things for the good, right?“

I expect the bottom to fall out and then trust that He’s going to make a masterpiece out of my brokenness. I very rarely trust that He’s going to SAVE me from the actual destruction. It’s like when bad things happen, I feel like God looks at whatever the bad situation running at me and says, “That’s gonna make some beautiful flowers.“(beauty from ashes).

Today I question myself: why do I only trust Him with brokenness? Do I not believe that He can save and use me the way I am? I took a step away from myself and realized that, with me, it is a very unhealthy piece of me that believed God can only use me after picking me up from rubble and dusting off the soot. That’s sad. That’s not love.

With that insight, I’m not going to pretend to have the answer. I know it’s another area that he’s chipping away at, I need to seek Him in prayer, then shut my big mouth of doubt and listen as He reminds me: I am created for a purpose, I am made in his image, I am His child first and foremost and He loved me enough to die so we could be together.

The first step was admitting to myself that I even felt this way— And then I go blabbing to you, LOL. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone. He said I don’t have to stay this way.

Until next time:blessings!

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