“We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Hebrews 4:15).
What is your favorite day of the week? Yesterday a gal at work was joking that we need an extra day between Sunday and Monday. Then a gentleman said, “No matter what, the first day of the week will always feel like Monday.” He’s right.
Before Eric, technically when I was dating Eric, I would take one day as a Sabbath or day of rest. After Arch died, I felt like I was running all the time and never had time for anything. I was always chasing my tail. In all honesty, that’s exactly the way I wanted it. The faster I ran the less my mind had to remember the life I no longer had and missed so desperately.
With healing came desire to stop running. The life that I had created for myself to that point, however, was full speed ahead, foot on the accelerator-all the way to the floor. It was during that period, at a Dani Johnson event, that she was speaking about the Sabbath as the day of rest. I took that to heart. I introduced that to Taylor, and even Kristian got to hang out with us on a Sabbath or two: Church, food, movies, quiet…rest. Enter Eric and he embraced my Sabbath, as well, until we got married… .
I’m not sure what happened, but life got really, really busy. I think it had a lot to do with his job as an HVAC tech. He was on call every third weekend and normally worked 10 to 13 hours a day. Sunday just became a day to catch up on all of the everything’s of life. Even then, I still loved and longed for Sundays. Going to church feeds my soul.
This last Sunday there was a special speaker by the name of Jay. He spoke of being a cocaine addict and when he came to know the Lord. He said people would tell him he had to pray, so he did. People told him he had to have devotions and he didn’t know what that meant. People said that was reading the Bible, so he said OK. People would say “do this”… so he did it. People said “do that”… so he did. He said what he came to realize through all of that was that, for what he truly wanted, there was no action “to do.” He challenged, “Do you want to know God better? “He paused then continued, “Raise your hands and spread them out.” He spread his arms out wide. He questioned, “Are you ready? “ He then prayed an extremely spiritual prayer: “God, I want more.” We all laughed, but it was true.
I went home and chewed on that. I listened to music, prayed while doing my every day tasks. I dwelt. It’s during those times, when I’m chewing on something, that God speaks. It’s not audible or from a book. He puts all of the pieces together that are tumbling around in my mind, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Errrk! I take that back. I think it’s more like spinning in a circle and everything is whirling around me. I’m not sure where to look because everything is blurry until God calms my spirit, slows me down to a stop and then everything comes into focus. That’s what he did for me on Monday.
As I chewed through the, “I want more, “I was reminded of my journey with God alone, beginning almost 4 years ago. I remember laying on my face, the feel of the carpet on my forehead and nose and the tears trickling down my nose into the carpet. I pleaded for Heavenly Dad to take me home. I felt like I had had a very good life. I had a happy marriage and a wonderful child. I had been blessed beyond measure and there was nothing else that I desired. I was ready to go home.
It was at that point Heavenly Dad began to empty me out. The things in the house were just things. The vehicles were just vehicles. The house was just a house. Everywhere I looked there was just stuff. There was no purpose in anything I could see or feel.
When nothing has any value, I then said, “God? I want more…“ What I meant was: I wanted more of Him. When Jay was saying he wanted “more.” my thought process went back four years. As this was being digested, I realized that in order to “get/receive” more of Him, I had to make room. If I get more and more and more it would be like a hoarders house filled to the brim but nothing has any value. I pondered, if I walk into an empty house and get a bed in order to rest, I value that bed. If I then get a table and chair so I’m not sitting on the floor to eat, I value that table and chair. If I get a cup to drink out of so I’m not scooping the water in my hands, I value that cup. If I get a plate so I’m not eating over the sink, I value that plate.
Processing that message: the memories, life lessons and just the crap over the last four years, the picture that I had to empty out myself. When nothing had value I was finally ready to ask God for more. I could then be focused, appreciative and value every single thing He gave. It’s not hard to focus if there’s only one thing in an otherwise empty room.
Last night I was talking through all of this with Eric, who I am grateful HD brought into my life as an extra blessing. The verse came to mind, Hebrews 4:15. It was speaking of how our high priest, Heavenly Dad, can sympathize with weaknesses. The crazy thing is, at that moment it all became clear. When I ask for more, I’m asking to be weak so that I can be strong through Him. I am asking to be in situations where I am uncomfortable so that He can be my comforter and make me brave. Ultimately, I’m asking for less of me to make room for more of Him. That’s what He said to me this week.
Well dear friends, there are closets in my life that are full of crap and messiness that I haven’t taken the time to deal with. Do you have any of those? If I want “more“ of Him, I’d best get busy.
Until next time: blessings!