Pursuing Selfishness-WHAT?!?!

Psalms 139:1 “ Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.”

Pity party time. Do you ever feel like life keeps you running? Sometimes I feel like I can’t even catch my breath let alone catch up to anything else. Side note to tie in shortly: During one insightful conversation recently, someone told me of a young woman who said “I want to be pursued,” referring to a young man.

Today I hit a brick wall. To be honest, I didn’t care if I could catch my breath, because I’m ready to go home. No, I do not have a death wish. I’m just…tired. In that moment of extreme fatigue, I fully came to understand what that young woman meant. When I stopped running, out of shear exhaustion, I sensed how completely alone I felt with no one chasing me. I realized I have been pursuing everyone else so they wouldn’t feel like me, but it was not until that moment that I could label the feeling: worthless.

I went home and directly to bed, decked out in full pity party attire—fuzzy jammies. I laid in misery, unable to sleep in spite of extreme weariness. After two hours of partying—tossing and turning without rest—Heavenly Dad whispered to me in the dark. I shot up with the realization that I am being pursued…by Him.

HD revealed a painful truth. Though it sounds selfless to try and make sure no one else feels worthless, in reality, it’s selfish. I was trying to meet my own need by using them to stay busy. Crap.

I grabbed my robe and phone and headed to the living room in the dark. I used every ounce of my biblical wisdom I could muster and said…“Google, Biblical versus on God pursuing me.” I know, I shocked you by my keen insight, right?

Psalm 139 popped up with a cool website: pursuegod.org. A couple of nuggets from my time there are:

Everyone is pursuing something ultimate, aka that is their God, believer or unbeliever.

God pursues everyone Ps 139:16-17. God knew us before we were born and has precious thoughts about us NOW. How many people do you know who think about you ALL OF THE TIME?!?! I can’t even name one as it would be impossible to hold down a job!

Jer 29:11, 13 He has plans for me and if I seek Him I WILL find Him, there is no hide and seek. He is just waiting for me to stop running away from Him.

My pity party instantly came to an end. I emailed my self the link to continue on with their series, popped on some Elevation worship and decided to hang out with you (without using you :o) ) Don’t you feel better about our relationship? I do, giggle, giggle.

Anyway, I will continue on with my study about being pursued by Heavenly Dad, getting up and doing the next right thing and trying to serve others because that’s the purpose HD put me on this earth for–not to meet a selfish need of my own. In turn, hopefully they will feel Heavenly Dad’s sincere love instead of my empty efforts. I wonder if Eric (poor thing has to put up with me) will notice?!?

Until next time, dear friend: Blessings!

If you are wondering if it’s ok to not be ok, I am embracing this song I found on Youtube:

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