A Clean Heart When I Didn’t Know Mine was Dirty

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalms51:10

Gosh darn-it, I didn’t even know it was there! I’m right on the brink of a huge new exciting step and it crawls out of the murky depths, all slimy and what not and is staring me down. I’m jaw dropped startled, shocked, and completely lost about what the heck to do about it.

Do you remember when I was talking about when your dreams really do come true and then there’s a fear that it’s not going to last, the bottom is going to fall out or we have no idea how to start living within that dream reality? What happen when the dream is through the door that you can see and feel? Just when you reach to turn the knob, something from your past slithers out from no where and positions itself between you and the door? Bingo.

I have shared many times how lonely the widow walk is. For some I’m living their worst nightmare and it’s almost like their afraid it’s going to rub off, so they avoid me. Others have actually told me it’s difficult to look at me because all they see is what is missing-Archie (I appreciate their honesty). Then there is the widow’s plague: not being able to be in proximity of a married man for fear of what others may think of them or their relationship with their wives—I respect that. It’s a journey not for the weak of heart, not that a choice is involved.

Crazy as it sounds, a completely new volume of life is on order from Heavenly Dad, just for me! I think it is an adventure/romance type hardback but whatever it is, that is what is on the other side of the door, blocked by ugliness.

I thought I had dealt with the hurt stemming from those who could not walk this journey with me. I did “heart checks” and thought I had come to peace knowing that their absence was not directed at me. Individuals were dealing with grief (or not dealing with it) in their own personal way. A lot of “letting go and letting God” has happened over the last 3+ years.

Now, however, I had to reach out to one of the organizations who was quiet through my walk, although their expertise is in healing the broken hearted. When I began this journey I was told upfront that they didn’t want me relying on them, only on God-but Heavenly Dad works through people-them.

Today, I see red and sirens in my head are going off warning me that these people are going to let me down again. They have no idea where I have been the last 3 years, though I have been walking and volunteering among them. Some have been assigned to be a “friend” on FB so perhaps when my name comes up they can do a quick reference check.

I didn’t even realize I had walls around my heart for them and now I find out they are 8 foot thick! Whaaat?!?!? Every time I email I feel like I’m looking sideways, eyes slightly squinted, trying to “read between their lines” so I won’t miss “the next time” they fall short so my heart won’t be hurt again. At this point in my journey, it’s often a challenge for my ticker to work the way Heavenly Dad intended. For three years I have meticulously wrapped my heart in bubble wrap and then built walls so I will never be hurt again by people or organizations who promise to “never leave you or forsake you”, or at least that’s who they say they represent.

But they’re human, not Heavenly Dad.

The crazy thing is, I am one of them and just as guilty of falling short in other people’s lives. Because of my experience, I know where their/our gaps are: a relaxed, loving assessment of who I had as support systems, mentors, food for when I was unable/did not care about myself (thank you Heartfelt, Linda specifically, who showed up at my door with homemade soup shortly after getting out of the hospital, herself) and a financial advisor—again work put up with me when I went into Richard and was clueless how to maneuver and he gave me simple directions I could understand in the midst of my fog.

Though an employer is not the entity designed to come beside broken people, Heavenly Dad saw the holes in the organization. Heartfelt’s love and compassion could be viewed as a base/template for meeting the needs of the hurting.

I have no easy answers for the healing that needs to take place within me but I do have a game plan:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

-I’m asking for Heavenly Dad to help me release the hurt/anger or what ever feelings of abandonment consist of or take it from me so I can be healed

-when the sirens are going off in my head, I’m going to pray for the organization (its hard to stay mad if your praying for them) I will ask for Heavenly Dad to open their eyes to see the gaps in their system

-I will look for the vibrating cocoons that Heavenly Dad is placing in my life so these feelings won’t have to be passed on

This journey continues to be a challenge. I must choose to move forward or get stuck carrying the baggage I choose not to deal with/pretend it’s not there, from my present and past. There’s only ONE who can heal the wounds and light the next step on this path, through that door.

Until next time: BLESSINGS!

Author: Tracy Cook

Widowed one week before our 27th wedding anniversary, Heavenly Dad continues to carry me, now blessing me with a second chance for love.

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