- Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those that mourn for they’ve shall be comforted.”
Did I miss it??? Do you ever feel like you are one step behind everyone else and just when you jump to go through the door, it slams in your face?
I am having one of “those” weeks and the self pity party is large enough I should consider getting it catered—nah.
This week is the July 4th holiday and I have some time off. Though running like a chicken with it’s head cut off, every direction but straight, I am reminded how no one wonders what I’m up to, where I am, or when I’ll be home.
Teens would think of this as liberating and “freedom.” Me? Not so much.
So, I’m going to take a moment to blah/“I miss” ( you may want to exit the blog now—seriously— RUN!)
I miss having someone who, back-in-the-day, had a mullet the same as me, and we could laugh about how dorky we looked.
I miss reminiscing with the one person who had all the same memories from the age of 19.
I miss him telling his stories only to, at the end, say,”I’ve already told you that a millions times, haven’t I?” As I smile.
I miss having someone to share the NOW excitements because they were there from the very beginning (aka Taylor’s upcoming nuptials).
I miss having my buddy split Little Debbie’s Zebra cakes because he knew they were my favorite, we were cheap and it was a great way to save on calories.
I miss buying an iced coffee and dropping it off at his work and seeing the light in his eyes because he knew I was thinking of him.
I miss that when I went somewhere, there was someone who couldn’t wait for me to get home.
I miss the butterflies in my stomach because I couldn’t wait for HIM to get home.
I miss holding hands and hugs.
I miss his voice and the sound of his beating heart every night when I go to sleep.
I miss not having someone listen to my ramblings then explaining to me what I was really thinking-and he was right.
I miss making a meal to please someone else.
I miss that he loved to drive and I didn’t so we were balanced.
I miss talking to someone before EVERY personal decision because it would affect the WHOLE me, which included him.
I miss listening, as he was the talker and it was rarely quiet.
I miss having the dream of growing old together and making wise cracks about what it was going to be like.
I miss the flirting with my bff—even/especially after 25 year.
I am coming clean: the “I misses” and tears this week have blurred my vision to the point I can not see my next step, nor do I have the energy or desire to keep going…but I am. “WHY? You seem to be the energizer bunny?”
I continue to obey the one element from Grief Share that got me out of bed and continues to do so, even when I absolutely don’t want to,”do the next RIGHT thing.“ I hate that…but I know the only reason for me to be here is because Heavenly Dad isn’t done with me yet. Sigh.
This week I am just feeling completely alone. Aside from work and the occasional text from my kiddo, my world feels very meaningless. I have huge projects right now and squeeze in as many appointments as possible but realize I do this so the echo isn’t quite as noticeable.
Last night my running kept me out very late and at the last minute I thought,”I just might have time to squeeze in the sunset!” Alas, I pulled into the parking lot where the store was holding direly needed specialty nails, only to find it closed early. I. then drove like a banchee to see the sunset, arriving ten minutes too late. Sigh. I got out and spent a few minutes reflecting:
In all of my “necessary” running, I’m missing all of the moments. My first thought was,”Really, what does it matter? A sunset isn’t going to change my circumstances.” True.
”No one else is here to share the sunset so even if I saw it, there would be no one to reflect with either at that moment or at a later time. It would be as if it never happened.” True.
I had no answers. I drug myself to my Blueberry and drove home. On the way, however, I thought of the sunrise.
At home I took care of the fury kids, my granddogter hasn’t wanted to eat lately, so I gently petted her for the duration of her supper. I tucked them in, all freshly bathed and “nails did,” brushed my teeth, answered a text from my kid as she was dealing with a memory of Arch and I holding hands that brought us both to tears, then fell onto the couch for the night after midnight, still in my clothes(seriously, who else would know—except now YOU 😳).
The pups awoke at 5:30 am. Ugh. My eyes felt like they were full of sand as I stumbled to take them out. Once they were a cup emptier, give or take, I made sure they had water and put them back to bed (and now you know why I call them my fury kids 👍).
I plopped back onto the sofa, pulled the throw up to my neck and pinched my sandpaper eyes closed. Suddenly, I remembered the sunrise. But did I reeeealy want to? Was it necessary? I wouldn’t make to the water anyway, and this is my only morning to sleep in and I could go to late service.
Don’t you think I put up some mighty fine arguments with myself? I still loose, or would that mean I, ultimately, win?
I popped up, washed up, through on clean clothes and headed out the door. I knew dawn was breaking so what the heck was I doing??? Driving.
The sky was beginning to become orange BEHIND me as I was driving. “This is ridiculous, and for what?” was resonating in my still groggy brain, yet I journeyed on. I could see the sun beginning to crest behind the tree lined field, the morning mist dancing in the glow:
“Will I miss it? What was I thinking?” Negative Nelly had taken occupancy in my mind. “No! It’s not about the destination, but the journey.”
Orange reflected all around and Heavenly Dad was slowly turning the dimmer switch to ‘bright’ in the sky. I pulled over and:
Watched the sunrise. Today is a new day.
My circumstances are the same, my load-though crushing as it still feels-is just a smidge bit lighter as I now sit by the water and the sun warms my face.
What’s keeping you from doing,”the next right thing?”
My next right thing was to step away and remember that there is peace in this chaotic world. THAT is the knot I am using to hold onto for today. Tomorrow has enough worries of it’s own.
Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Anyway, I was crying my way through,”We will Dance,” by Steven Curtis Chapman, when I saw this reminder of how Arch and I watched him from his mullet days to now that he’a a grandpa. I wondered if anyone else has watched this transformation and that is how this blog got started.
Until next time: Blessings!