For those that follow my blog separately from Facebook, this is the true extended version:
This weekend was a scrap retreat with old and new scraping friend-family (friends like family). I learned so much from these dear ladies, like one husband rescued a family who didn’t even know their house was on fire WHILE she was at the retreat! Another who, like me, experienced angels but with Tattoos up to their shoulders and hearts dedicated to calling on heavenly Dad’s name.
But, you know how Heavenly Dad works…:
I have been hearing sad stories of individuals who have or are walking the path I am on. Their choices have been different and their outcomes, as well.
This memory, though distant and painfully healing, is for them.
One day at a time…and breath:
On the way home today, a song was playing that summed up the last two years. It went something like this: “Help me to want the healer more than I want to be healed, help me to want the Savior more than I want to be saved.”
What I came to realize is:“good days” in grief can turn very very “bad” with just a scent that would take me to a moment I could never have again or a flashback during a moment of extreme joy that sucks the air out of the room and would spin me to my knees in tears…again. I learned healing or being saved from a horrible moment is fleeting, but walking with the Healer/Savior? I cried so many times in emptiness, and He gave me hope that fulfillment would come(someday). I stopped looking/wanting a “temporary fix” because relationship with the Creator was the only true hope I could wrap my mind around. This earth had nothing left that I wanted. Every “thing” was pointless and fleeting.
That’s where He found me. An empty shell of who I once was, wanting nothing but to pay the debts I owed…and go home.
I finally got myself out of His way.
This is and has been a long process, and I have a long way to go. I can say, however, that looking back over the last two years I have very few regrets. I cried through the pain until I could cry no more, for that moment. When the situation resurfaced, the tears would come but were not quite as intense. On and on this cycle continues until now. Some things I once cried over now bring smiles from memories that’s are cherished instead of moments that were lost.
Because few(if any) big decisions were made in 18-24 months, Looking back I have a peace that I was and am where Heavenly Dad wants me to be, knowing I have been waiting for Heavenly doors to open and close and refusing to force any to swing “my way.”
The waiting has been painful and whatever I am doing often felt pointLESS. Obviously it isn’t/wasn’t or I wouldn’t be here, typing this to you
until next time: Blessings!