May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
8 days short of 22 months…it was yesterday but forever ago, but I have never been alone.
Taylor and I were at a gathering, meeting like minded financial individuals, most for the first time. In the discussion came up the limitations of a single income. The question that seems to be on many a lip, at least around me, came up, but this time Taylor was with me. She was taken aback when someone asked,”Are you dating?”
“Why not?” Taylor was very uncomfortable because she didn’t realize how many times this question has been asked. This unearthed deep issues that have been buried for some time and a two day discussion along with self reflection.
Time warp–hold on! When Arch was going through cancer my focus was 100% on him. He needed his pain patch, which had to be changed and varied in application every three days, he took two oral pain meds every two and four hours, his anti-nausea was once a day, every three and six hours, the max dose laxatives, which are a necessity when taking as much pain medication, was every 4 hours. I had labeled alarms on my phone for each and once a day would fill the 9-12 cups of pills. The alarms went off around the clock because it was a necessity to stay ahead of the pain.
When he went home it all…stopped. No alarms. No trying to get someone to eat. No bathing someone who couldn’t bath themselves. No appointments or doctor’s calls. There was silence.
Right after Archie went home I felt an extreme emptiness. I had faith that heavenly Dad knew what he was doing, when it felt like my world was out of control, but I didn’t have a purpose and I WANTED A PURPOSE. I feared this emptiness would last forever. I told Taylor I really thought someday I would marry again because I needed to be needed, but assured her it would not be for some time. She pushed it out of her mind but every once and a while would comment that she didn’t think it was a good idea. We really never discussed it. Until now.
Back then I got online to look for widow/widower chats to talk to people who had been through this. I never found one that was active. Maybe heavenly Dad was protecting me. At one very lonely time I did entertain the idea of online dating/meeting someone, because I really needed a friend. The reasons I did not, right or wrong, were these:
-I had been married since I was 18 years old. I didn’t know who I was as a single. To meet someone, I couldn’t honestly say what I did or did not like because I didn’t know who “me” (like it or not) was.
-I knew that if I ever did meet anyone, they would have to had to lost a spouse. After 27 years if marriage, that mate is going to come up in conversation. I needed it to be understood that Archie is apart of who I am, not a competition/comparison to any relationship.
-I didn’t want to get into any relationship to fill a void I had. That wouldn’t be healthy for them or me.
Long story short: I didn’t pursue it. I really felt like heavenly Dad would give me what I need when I needed it. Since He didn’t bring anyone, I took that as His way of telling me it was time to stop focusing on my surroundings and focus on Him. My life is different, more than because what I have lost, but the relationship I have gained.