Matthew 28:20b And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
It kind of funny when I tell people how I have been traveling for work. Almost instantly they respond,” Ohhhhh! That would be so much fun!” I think they confuse hotel rooms with vacations.
When you are on vacation you go out and do fun things then you go back to the hotel to rest, shower, refuel, so you can go again. It is also usually shared with other people you enjoy being with and hopefully wonderful memories are made in these hotel rooms.
None of this applies when you travel for work. You work, then go back to the hotel room where we make our own meals and eat alone (we all save money so we stop at the store for food we can refrigerate and microwave), every couple of weeks we may go out to dinner with some of our fellow vendors, but then it’s back to the hotel to watch cable and wish the night was over so we can get to work. We don’t sight see, unless we accidentally “happen” on something, like the giant ketchup bottle in Collensville, IL that I took pictures of as we drove past.
Tonight, for instance. We got back to the hotel about 8:45-9 pm, both Bryan and I still had 1-2 hours of work, each, to do, but when we pulled into the hotel parking lot I smiled. There was a family, four kids, three adults, and a dog playing catch in the yard. They were laughing, chasing each other, throwing the ball so the dog would run after whomever was trying to retrieve the ball and you could see: making life long memories.
Back up to our rooms to work. I am tired. It was a great day, but this is my 3rd weekend in a row that I’ve worked and when I am home I work everyday between. My bosses have urged me to take days off and I am planning on it, but I just need to get through this week… . Did I mention I’m tired???
No time for TV or down time, though I am taking the time to blog after my work is through, then off to bed. I lay there, mind still racing from all of the ladies I have met, the stories of the long time friends who have been crafting together for years, some relatively new to activities but how they found a supportive/like minded group to hang out/meetup with once a week and share ideas, along with a few of their supporting hubbies. Then my mind goes back to that family.
I remember being a kid and trying to hit the ball my brother would pitch to me (I was pathetic) in the front yard when we lived on SR 19 in Nappanee. The walks through the woods looking for mushrooms, I don’t ever remember finding any. The sleepovers my sisters had and I was jealous. Finding wild kittens and keeping them in the basement (along with baby mice, rabbits and an occasional baby bird). The above ground pool (that my Uncle Jim dug out the base for) we had in the backyard and all of us would walk in the same direction to make a whirlpool and then we could lift our legs and the current would carry us around and throwing an retrieving golf balls in the water.
I remember setting up the tent and camping in the side yard, then our family trip to Michigan, to Mackinaw Island, the campground we stayed out with the stocked pond and the nice gentleman that let us feed the fish. I remember going to the island and visiting the fort and the little house with the story of the man who was shot in the stomach and because of that we learned about digestion.
These are all the things that go through my mind when I am tired. These are experiences I share with people that are still alive, unlike all of the memories from my 27 years of marriage. There is no one to remember and reminisce about the every day silly happening, goofy faces, games of catch, hikes, training for 5ks and that journey. All of those are…gone. Those are now a memory of one.
The difficult part for me is that, though my childhood has some wonderful memories, there is also a lot of sadness. I really think that all of my siblings, including myself, feel like we did not know happiness until we found, or were found by our true loves. It was as if life began after our “I do’s” were said. When we speak of childhood shenanigans, few of the others share my memories. We are unable to sit and have conversations about our childhood. Those memories are few and far between. Now that I have walked through therapy with many foster kids, I know that it is a coping skill the mind uses for protection. But what happens if my 27 years of marriage memories are now single, but so are my childhood memories? I cried. This is why I should not let myself get this tired.
So I get up and google verses on loneliness. If I can help it, I try not to focus on my feelings when I am blue. I know God has a plan. I know that even if I feel like I have walked this life without leaving lasting memories, that is not true. There are memories with my family and when the time is right, they will be brought to mind. I also have memories with my daughter. Those are the childhood memories of me in the “parental” roll, but hopefully she remembers a lot of laughter, a tea party or two, family nights at coffee shops with board games, and the parents who supported in her in rain, shine, sleet, hail and snow during band season–hooraaah–and I’m not a marine or a postal worker!!
When I feel I am at the end of my rope, I hold onto the knot with all I’ve got–and that is scripture. It’s my heavenly Dad’s letter to me that reminds me I am not alone, ever. Google has helped because instead of being overwhelmed I can just type,”Verses for feelings of…” and POW: He speaks! Seriously awesome the way heavenly Dad has stayed relevant and active in my everyday walk. Speaking of walking with my heavenly Dad, you know…he has an open schedule and has asked me to let you know that if you want to chat, He’s just a whisper away. I’m just the messenger. My job is not to get in His way.
Time for bed. Since He has been with me since my very first breath, I need to focus on what I have (my relationship with Him) instead of my selfish expectations from wounded people (shame on me).
Until we meet again: Blessings!