“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5b
Never leave me… .
I’m not sure why, but yesterday I had feelings of abandonment. Choices could have been made to, perhaps, change the circumstances I am currently in. They weren’t, so part of me will always wonder what my life could have been like if… . That’s part of the grief process, I guess.
In my time with my heavenly Dad today, the writer of Wisdom Hunters made a statement about Archie that brought tears to my eyes: ” God took him home to heaven before I was done loving them.” I’m still bawling like a baby writing this! Ugh.
I wasn’t done, but yet I am…so now what? At these times, when I’m hurting, it’s easy to turn my feelings towards someone else. It’s like I’m full of these emotions and they are bubbling to the top and they have to go somewhere, right? Soooo…I look around and contemplate,”Who around me can either handle these uglies or deserves these uglies (seriously, who am I to judge?)?” Then I dump on the nearest one who fits category A or B (or both).
There is always the remorse afterwords, but at the time I am pouring my brewing uglies, I am convinced I am completely in the right. “You have to get it out somewhere,” right…right?
These people around me, or not anymore, that I am frustrated, agitated or hurt by, could they leave me? Could they just decide one day that they do not deserve my uglies, no matter how justified I am be, and walk away? What would be their last memory of me? Is that what I want? Is that who I am?
What do you do with all of those feelings?
In our first journey through cancer I was searching. I dumped big time on my sister and even shared my negative feelings about God. She drug me to her church (not really). It was there that her pastor’s wife sat and cried with me (no one else knew what to do with me) and told me God already knew I felt this way.
Psalms 139:2 “You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.”
I wasn’t hiding anything from Him, so why not be honest with myself. Ouch. She told me to write a letter and pour all of my uglies out to Him, He can take it. One more thing: there’s nothing I can say to Him that could ever push Him away: “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
He is safe to dump on, not to mention, the ONLY person that could “fix” my situation…which meant fixing me because my situation didn’t change. I did.
I sat down and wrote my Heavenly Dad the letter full of uglies and hurt and pain, and then, just to prove my point, I decided to add scripture, just to “show Him” all of the promises He had broken. And that’s where He changed my heart.
I still bubble over from time to time, and have ugly messes that are my responsibility to own up to, learn from, and make every attempt to do better the next time. I am not perfect, but He loves me anyway is on the floor with me, helping me to mop up after my selfish crap hits the fan and creates chaos. But…at least I’m not alone. Neither are you.
Until tomorrow: Blessings!