While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?” Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” Mark 5:35-36
Don’t be afraid: just believe: easier said than done.
Today my heavenly Dad was talking to me about hope, even when things appear utterly hopeless/impossible. Ok, so this took me back to when Archie went home, because that’s what my “Dad” needed me to work through, again. What Taylor and I are learning and they are teaching me in Grief Share is that the more you talk about something painful, when we talk about it the next time it is still painful, but hurts just a tiny bit less. The next time, hopefully just a smidge less, and so on, and so forth until someday it may just hurt but is not agonizing.
When the EMS were dragging Archie from our bedroom to the kitchen where there was more room…that was when everything hit me as hopeless. Until that point, I really thought he’d “come back.”
Nights are still stinky and last night I had a good cry remembering that we had just gotten home from the hospital one hour before he died. Arch had been done with chemo for a while but just wasn’t feeling right. We stayed in one of the rooms by ourselves as he dozed, being in and out, nurses coming in to check on him, for an extra hour and a half. Work was great. The nurse came in and asked me, when Arch was asleep,”Do you have somewhere you need to be?” My response, thanks to amazing employers: “No, I have all the time in the world.” I’ll never forget that.
Archie had kept a cracker and a bit of 7up down (he had been nauseous since 4:00 pm the previous day) so we went home. There was a lot of hope when we left the hospital. One hour later my world was upside down and I had no direction which way was up. At that moment, everything seemed hopeless. I literally had no idea what to do next. My life had revolved around timers, meds, the personal care of Archie and squeezing work in whenever I could. In an instant it all stopped.
Jarius’ story was a little different in that Jesus raised his daughter from death, but Jarius never lost his faith or hope that Jesus could “fix” the situation. People in the crowd where even perturbed with him for asking Jesus, since it was “too late.” “Why bother the teacher,” they said. They were talking about their time table, not our heavenly Dad’s, weren’t they? I do the same, how about you?
It was very inconvenient for Archie to go home then, as we had plans! Our marriage was just warming up as Taylor was just about to graduate from college so we could almost “stick a fork” in the parenting thing and call it “done.” We could do more as a couple, as the financial responsibility for college, which was more than or mortgage, would be over, too. There was an entire future out there to experience together.
Later that night, when Taylor couldn’t stop her nausea, I remember not only praying over her but nonstop. I had no idea what to do. My heavenly Dad was listening. At midnight there was a knock at the door and there stood my brother. He lent an ear, but more importantly, played chauffeur and backbone the next day when decisions had to be made and we were in no condition to drive.
Job 12:10 “In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.”
Today this scripture is hitting me as not only the air we all breath, but the life of the plans we make. He is in control and we either trust Him, or we don’t. Archie is safe and pain-free. It would be selfish to wish him back. He could not be happier than he is right now and someday we will join him in paradise.
Until then my hope will continue. My Savior may not have honored my schedule, but His calendar stretches a lot further into the future. It would be immature and short sighted to demand He follow me instead of visa versa…so I guess I shouldn’t…even though I often do. Poo. Aaaaaand that’s why He decided to talk to me today.
Until Monday: Blessings!