First fire in the fire place of the year. It’s getting cold…again.
Taylor and I haven’t used the living room much since before Archie went home. The pups always left pup hair all over the couch. We are not big on wearing dog hair so Archie had gotten discontinued vinyl from work to reupholster it. The roll has been sitting in the shed for two years. It’s not going to happen. Taylor gave up and decided to buy a couch so we could be warm in the living room, next to the fire place. She checked with me, because we’d have to give Archie and my couch away, but I really don’t care. She’s pretty much adding pictures or rearranging. It’s nice to see her finding some peace.
Archie passed away in February, in the middle of winter. We’ve gone through half of winter, spring, and all of summer without Archie. With the onset of cold weather and a warm fire, it’s a reminder of how long he’s been gone.
Sitting on Taylor’s couch, Dash snuggling in my lap, and the flames dancing in the fireplace, I would say I am reflecting, but I do not quite know what I am reflecting on.
Last night in Grief Share they were talking about friends, how loss affects our previous relationships, our current relationships, making new friendships, and asking for helping. Couple those two together(the reflecting and the study topic) and I’ve got…I don’t know. What the heck do I have? More questions than I have answers.
The last time I went through Grief Share we went over the same topic and I purposefully joined a woman over 40’s group, asked for info on the widow’s group, and asked to help in the children’s ministry center at church. Now, 5-6 months later, the over 40 group meets 45-90 minutes away from my house. What that means is that I cannot meet with them during the week and since I now have Archie’s responsibilities in addition to my own, I don’t have many Saturdays I can justify walking away from my responsibilities without guilt.
The widow info: never happened. Children’s ministry? Submitted info and had my background check, helped in a couple of areas, then they asked which class I’d like to help. I answered and then never heard from them again.
I shared my frustration at Grief Share and they were shocked. I have sought help. I’ve tried different avenues to embrace my current season of life and all of the doors closed. Truth be told, embrace is an overstatement. Accept is much more accurate.
I was always taught,”God doesn’t move a parked car,” meaning seek our heavenly Dad’s direction, then get off your duff and head in that direction. That isn’t working in my current reality.
Habakkuk 2:3 For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.
This is one journey that there are no books to chart an exact course. There are sooo many books that explain other’s voyages, but obviously, their path is different than mine. I need to stop following everyone else’s guidebook and wait on my heavenly Dad to open the door, pull out my chair, and beckon me to enter the life He has chosen for me. This seeking isn’t working, maybe the answer is in the waiting, alone. I need to be still, rest, and trust.
Are any of you going through or have gone through (and are on the other side) a situation where God was/is saying,”Stop trying so hard. Lean on me. Trust and wait. The prize at the end of this journey is worth it.”
I’d love to hear about it.
Until Monday: Blessings