Again and again…

Empty…

Sometimes people ask me what I do at work. There are a lot of different aspects of my job but one of them is being allowed the opportunity to introduce our Heartfelt family to, well, other family members, aka, customers.

The number of tours seems to be going up. When scheduling one, rescheduling another, and preparing for one to begin, I looked up and saw a picture of Archie from two and a half years ago. It was on one of our adventures when we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I think I caught my office buddy, Kathy, off guard, when I randomly said,”I miss Archie. The old Archie.” I had to choke back a couple of tears.

I lost Archie for a year, due to work letting go a 30 yr employee and Arch taking on a massive load of his responsibilities, loosing one assistant, training another, it didn’t leave much time for…anything, especially Taylor and me. But there would always be next year, right? I was angry for a long time, but not at Archie.

During my last round of Grief Share during the “Questioning God” chapter, I got up and left. I did not do the homework for that week. There was no answer to my questions that was going to make me feel any better. I felt like I did not have any questions anyway because Archie going home was God’s allowed will and I trusted and had faith that everything was going to be ok. This time around, I need to stick to it and do my homework. The one question that has been burning a hole is: Why didn’t anyone around Archie notice he was drowning? Taylor and I did and we saw him less than anyone. At the end, when his cancer was at it’s worse, he said,”It was my choice, Trace, it was my choice.” Don’t ask me whether I agree with that, but I, with a lot of prayer, am trying to work through it. I have hit a snag in my healing. I know there is no answer that will make me happy, but I need to know how I can have peace, thus Grief Share.

Turning the finger on myself: do I look for people who are drowning? Am I equipping myself to jump in and help them or would I dive in and get pulled under because I am unprepared? If I do not have the resources to help, am I plugged in enough to point, no, WALK WITH THEM to get the help they need, sticking by their side until I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are going to be ok?

One step further: if I am the one who is drowning, do I have the courage to ask for help? If not, what or who am I afraid of and why? If unable to ask for help, am I brave enough to give it to my heavenly Dad and walk away? If not, what is stopping me?

Circling back around from the spiderweb 😀 :

It’s times like today when I am blown away by exciting growth that I want to run home and tell him. I want to see the energy in his eyes reflected back as if to say,”Of course! Did you expect any less?” It’s when things are really good…that everything feels the most empty. My life, except for last year, had always been like the loud speaker at a restaurant:

“Cook Celebration, Party of three.”

“Party of two,” is taking a lot of getting used to. The excitement isn’t there. It’s almost like just another check off. I hope and pray my heavenly Dad restores the happiness. Joy we have, but there is this inner part of all of us that wants to whoop and holler with people who understand how awesome/amazing/exciting a situation is and they want to celebrate with you.

Does any of that make sense?

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 “I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.”

“Nothing better for them,” I didn’t read,”unless they lost a vital part of their existence,” did you?  This emptiness I feel again and again does not seem to be part of my heavenly Dad’s desire for our lives, do you think? The desire of my heart is for happiness to return, without guilt, and for those around us to WANT us to feel happiness, as well.

I think that what is the most difficult. It’s hard enough to walk through this grief, but we need a cheering squad to stand with us and want to whoop and holler, not at a distance, only wanting to grieve, feeling like it is disrespectful to feel anything less. There has to be healing.

John 16:20 “Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”

The bottom line: we need those around us to want us to heal, have joy and feel happiness. God does.

Until tomorrow: Blessings

 

Author: Tracy Cook

Widowed one week before our 27th wedding anniversary, Heavenly Dad continues to carry me, now blessing me with a second chance for love.

One thought on “Again and again…”

  1. Makes perfect sense. You’re wading through difficult waters but you’re still “afloat”, not drowning. Still praying for you both daily.

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