The Green…ish Blue Monster

After my first day of sleeping until the alarm went off, I had high hopes of sleeping over eight hours in a row, WITHOUT a sleep aid!

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (sound of a buzzer) Didn’t happen. Instead the greenish blue monster came to visit.

I fell into bed the night before at 12:30-1 am, awake, unfortunately, at 7:00 am. P00h. Did you ever notice the harder you try to go back to sleep the less successful you are? Maybe it’s just me.

After about an hour of denial, I drug myself out of bed and let the fury kids out as they HAD slept in. I got the coffee going then stripped my bed to do laundry. It’s not like the sheets get a lot of wear/use, I could probably go for months but it’s good to stay on schedule, so they say. A few dishes were on the counter so I washed those up, then on to sort through more of my mom’s stuff. After, I headed back to my room.

I don’t spend a lot of time there. That was Arch and my room, so it’s just very empty without him. Mostly I just store stuff. We don’t have a basement or attic so everything that doesn’t have a place tends to get shoved in a box and pushed under the bed or in the closet.

Last night when I was looking for something I opened Archie’s sock drawer and ewwwww, musty. It hadn’t been opened since spring. Since I’m not in the room much, there is very little air flow as I can do my business within the first four feet or so of the room, including falling into and making the bed, so why go any further?

I’ve been getting stuffy at night but, really, who cares? I go to bed late enough that I’m so tired I have eluded the memories and fall asleep almost immediately. Too early and there are tears.

Today, however as I am returning to the bedroom, the musty smell is meeting me in the hallway. That’s odd. I make my way back to the room and begin investigating. I pull some of my mom’s things out from under the bed and they are half covered in greenish blue! WHAT?!?!? Item after item. I AM NOT HAPPY. Next Archie’s drawer, the sock MUST come out out, along with anything else I can wash. I spend the next 1.5 hours sorting greenish blue eww. What I have come to realize is that I am storing more for the ones that have gone “home” than there is room for air to circulate. I collapse onto the unmade bed and cry. What the heck do I do with all of this stuff from people that will never come back to use it?

If my goal was to use the stuff as a banner to remember them by, I think my heavenly Dad would have kept them here if He thought it was that important. But alas, I have lots of stuff. It’s not of earthly value, as it’s sentimental. Pictures Archie drew, stuff Taylor and I had gotten him, his basketball jersey from High School, his favorite caps, his harmonica, and so on and on. Mom’s journals from church in her writing, her and Gary’s wedding mementos, just her…stuff.

Stuff that is growing green and blue, along with all of MY stuff because it isn’t getting air either! Even UNDER the boxes the floor is musty. I cry, oh how I cry. How do you honor those that have past without being crushed and sickened by the effects of their “stuff?” Now I know why I’ve been getting stuffy at night–it’s the only time I’m ever in the room!

Taylor comes in to a mom that’s having a melt down. Ugh. I felt so weighed down and responsible for all these peoples stuff that I just didn’t understand why my heavenly Dad keeps me here because I can’t keep up with everything. Now I have to spend hours on the greenish blue monster?!?!?!??! Taylor cries with me.

Isaiah 40:29 “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.”

I stop my pity party. I don’t want Taylor to ever feel hopeless for my heavenly Dad has her here on this earth for a specific purpose. Crap. Me, too. So I say, as we are both drying our eyes,”Ok, so if I walked in on you and you had just said this to me, this is what I would say to you:” then I went into mom mode and showered her with encouragement, apologizing for focusing on myself and selfishness. That is not my right. I am not my own. I am God’s child and I was not put on this earth for personal pity parties…or to be the storage facility or the banner holder for those He has decided to take home, gasp. Sometimes God speaks out of our own mouths and we kinda want to choke on those words. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, we got the heck out of the house for a while. We splurged on some mums for the house as we didn’t get any last year. Archie was too busy to enjoy them so we’d just get them “next year.” We did. Today. I miss him and I wish he’d be here to enjoy them, but he is not and I cannot change that. We still like mums, too, and we are not putting them off expecting to have anymore time than what was allowed us for the moment. Archie taught us that, the hard way.

Until tomorrow: Blessings!

Author: Tracy Cook

Widowed one week before our 27th wedding anniversary, Heavenly Dad continues to carry me, now blessing me with a second chance for love.

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