Take 2

My second round of Grief Share. To be honest, during the first go round I was only getting about 2-4 hours of sleep per night, unless I took a sleep aid, so I don’t remember it much. The one phrase that I still cling to with both hands is:

“Do the next right thing.”

That is why I am back. I am the only repeater this time, but I was the, what did they call it…”freshest” at the last round. Back to homework and weekly “personal checkups,” yuck. Back to every week dreading going but knowing I need to move forward and realizing I won’t without accountability.

When I have good days, I have very good days, and they do come more often. When I bottom out, I drop deeper than I ever imagined. There has to be a way to level these feelings out. I don’t have the answer, but I know people who do.

When I arrived, there was this young girl participating who looked soooo familiar. I couldn’t place her. I was going through the file folders in my head: Church: no. Work: no. Previous jobs: no. Archie’s work: no. Taylor’s school: no. Where?

We had an ice breaker. Our favorite snack food. That was easy. We went around the small group settling on chocolate, donuts, ice cream, and chips, but only the ridged kind. Then the DVD, break, coffee and cookie time, finally some group discussion. We were talking about why we were there. This young girl said she deals with loss as she works on the oncology unit at Goshen hospital. She was one of Archie’s nurses… .

There is a reason I am there.

When I got home I handed Taylor the cookie I brought her home along with the message that the teachers sent her hugs. She filled me in on the happenings of her day and evening and I reciprocated. She was then off to bed. I have to process. How?

I tend to drive in the quiet. I usually don’t even think about the lack of music until Taylor gets into the vehicle and asks to put something in. To process tonight I turn to worship/praise music. I need to feel like this journey isn’t all in vain. Something good/spectacular had to have happened in spite of this agony.

Archie is listening to angels sing everyday. How awesome would that be? Archie will never again hear how he fell short or missed a deadline. He is being reminded moment by moment how amazing he is, how loved he is, how he is forgiven. Welcome home.

No matter how much I miss him, I would never take that away. So how do I deal daily with my loss? Grief Share reminds:

Psalms 61:1-2 “1 Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. 2 From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

He’s got this. Until tomorrow: Blessings

 

Author: Tracy Cook

Widowed one week before our 27th wedding anniversary, Heavenly Dad continues to carry me, now blessing me with a second chance for love.

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