100 Days of Meanderings

The screen savor that the computer decided to show looked as if I was lying in a forest at the base of a tree, looking up. The tree looked like it soared for miles into the sky. The canopy of leaves were so condensed the sun barely peeked through the dense foliage.

The words said,”Do you like what you see? Do you want to see more?” or something along those lines.

The answer,

Yes, please! I could lay for hours looking up, watching the beams of light trickle through the leaves, fluttering from one towering trunk to the next like a montage of fairies from an imaginary world of perfection.

Well, minus the bugs. I have to admit, the idea of laying on bugs creeps me out, so I’d have to have a really thick blanket…maybe a cot. Yes, now that I think about it, a cot ABOVE the bugs would make me much more relaxed. Hey, you have your vexations, mine happens to be creepy crawly bugs. Not even spiders, those don’t really bother me. It’s the ones that you don’t know what they are, what they eat, or where they like to burrow–like ticks and such.

Spider webbing…focus. Whew! Aren’t you glad you’re not in this head?!?!?

It’s odd. People keep telling me,”You ought to get away.” Out of curiosity, why? I carry the grief with me, so where I go, it goes. I would love to leave it in a neatly wrapped box, maybe tuck it gently under the covers, give it a peck, right next to the bow, and tell it to be safe while I’m gone. That’s not how it works. Unfortunately, when I came back the grief would be right where I left it and I’d have to pick up exactly where I left off. Eww. Every moment I deal with it, the reality is, I get closer to “the other side” of grief.

I think I would like to wait until the grief is lighter to carry, easier to see through, and doesn’t have to be dealt with every moment of every day. But, at least it is getting better:

This is p0st 100. What I have learned is that leaning into the grief has made my day to day living more tolerable. I don’t cry as often. I’ve actually had two weeks of being able to talk about Arch going home without crying at the subject. I couldn’t have said that two weeks ago.

I’ve learned, through Grief Share, that planning for difficult events makes a HUGE difference and doing one special thing different from the everyday makes a GOOD memory in spite of the painful event. Every good moment needs a magnifying glass so we are able to keep the right/healthy perspective, if that makes any sense.

I also remind myself how helping others and hearing them share keeps my objectivity in check. Everyone has a story:

There were two tours that made me catch my breath this week. At the beginning of the week there was this group that had an adorable couple that doted on each other. He told me all about what he did and where he worked before he retired. She beamed with pride as she spoke about his position. She then mentioned he had been retired for 23 yrs!!!! You would have thought he had had his “going away party” just months ago! Then they mentioned their anniversary was coming up. 57 years…and counting. I got a smidge misty, reminding myself that Arch and my count ended at 27, and will never increase. They turned to the lady with them,”You’re almost there. How many years are you two at?” “Only 53.” Wow!

Two days ago I had a tour for a couple that had been married for a while, but not as long as I expected. The were a little older than me but only married about a decade. When I asked how long they dated, she laughed. “Five years!” Again, wow. I was thinking, that five years could have gotten them a bit closer to the 50+ of the couples the day before. I asked,”Why did you choose to date for 5 yrs?” Her response was a funny,”He was slow.”

At the end of their tour this wonderful couple was sharing how impressed with Heartfelt they were and how family like it was. I had the opportunity to share with them how much they have meant and the sacrifices every person has made for me. The gentleman was glassy eyed and said,”I need to give you a hug.” He hugged me and his wife hugged me, and though I am a hugger, I was a little surprised.

Today when doing some training I had a chance to chat with Emma Lou. She visited with the second couple while they were exploring the art room. She was having conversation with the lady as she was asking technical questions and I was showing the gentleman a new line of product at the same table. The wife shared that her hubby’s first wife…had passed away. I did not know that part of their story.

Now I wonder if it took five years of dating because he felt like he was cheating on his first wife. My perspective changed completely. Kudos to him for finding a peace. Yikes…shame on me for my initial judgment.

Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Back to the trees and the intertwining branches. You couldn’t tell where one tree top stopped and another began. So are our lives and the stories we hear and tell. We all have things in common. We just have to take the time to listen, watch, and and put our judgments and opinions in the little box, but throw it away!!!

If we would, we could lay head to head to head (on cots, of course) and watch the fairies dance, together.

Until tomorrow…blessings!

 

Author: Tracy Cook

Widowed one week before our 27th wedding anniversary, Heavenly Dad continues to carry me, now blessing me with a second chance for love.

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