On Taylor and my journey, the biggest challenge, at least for today, is the “stuff.” The long weekend is coming…fun right? Not so much when this is our first long weekend w/out Archie. A holiday with a hole.
Last year, of course, we didn’t celebrate or do anything special because everything was too stressful. Honestly, we don’t even remember the Memorial Day weekend. It didn’t matter, though. Remember, it was just accepted that this was going to be a “rough year.” Next year will be better.
Taylor and I have been trying to finish up some of the many many projects that we were in the middle of when Arch went home. We’ve got a loooong way to go. In our organizational process we come across…Archie: his mildewing shoes, golf clubs, softball mitt, Frisbee(he was truly amazing at throwing and catching, SO much fun–we DID do that last year), trivia pursuit, caps, favorite movies, mugs, books, wow, he’s everywhere.
THOSE are the moments that make us catch our breath or shed tears. Taylor and I were looking at his golf clubs today. He will NEVER use them again. That is such a weird thought. His mildewy shoes? I pitched all but two. Am I keeping them for when he comes back? They were his favorites…how can I throw away his special shoes, even if they have mildew? Ouch, this hurts. Grief work.
His Frisbee: we’ve had so much fun over the years. I think it was one of the freebes from Hacienda from the kid’s meal they used to serve the food on when Taylor was little. Just to know it won’t be thrown or caught by him again? Ever? It doesn’t seem real.
All of the special time “stuff”. Since last year they were on hold until this year. The “stuff” is extra dusty and lay unconscious in the same undisturbed position they have been for two years. Two years of waiting. They now wait for a determination of their future. That will be yet another year of silence and solitude for them as Taylor and I try to figure out how to have “special times”….one short.
This is the cruddy part of grief, in case you were wondering. One really good day and you think you might see daylight. The next thing you know you find, see, or smell something and the floor beneath you collapses. As you are plummeting into the next vast pit of grief, the only words that seem to fit are, “What the heck?” Not very descriptive, but where we were sure we were gaining ground in our healing is suddenly ripped wide open. Crap. “Here we go again.”
And so it was today: Golf clubs and shoes. Who knew? But…tomorrow is another day:
Proverbs 4:25″Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you.”
All of this stuff is just…stuff. It’s not Archie. He’s waiting for us. If I take my focus off the path my heavenly Dad has ever so carefully planned, I cry and I stay off track for quite a while. I need time to grieve and cry, I just have to be careful that the resting doesn’t turn to wallowing. The lines sometime can be very blurry, especially through tears. Just sayin’.
Until tomorrow, I’ll fix my eyes on whatever the view my heavenly Dad has in front of me and continue on this journey, as difficult as it might be.
Thanks for joining me and keeping me company. Good night dear friends.