Today I am reversed. Ever have a day like that? Usually I process my day through writing and then lately I find the music that describes where I am or how I am feeling on this journey of grief.
Today there were just not a lot of feelings…just…numbness, which is technically a feeling, or the lack there of. I digress…
All I kept thinking about today is how if anything happens to me, what a mess Taylor is going to have to clean out both her dad and my stuff. Wow. What a thought. If it is this overwhelming for me with Archie, how terrible would it be for Taylor. We are not talking emotionally, we are talking STUFF. All the things we buy to make life easier, to start a new hobby, or to make us “appear more_____,” you fill in the blank. Would your blank be: wealthier, intelligent, refined, traveled, trendy,____?” What is in your blank? When people think of you, what is the very first word you want them to say out loud, to describe you. Think about it for a minute. I’ll wait…. .
So I’m thinking, “Man, if I die or get sick like Archie, Taylor is going to be clueless on where to even start!” Then I started thinking of all the things I need to get rid of because she won’t need or want it. Archie and I had a lot of “stuff” because we had a lot of “plans” to do or go places with the “stuff”. Now it’s just…stuff.
I also think, “hmmm….I’m 45 (no, I don’t care if people talk about my age. I’ve earned my wrinkles, thank you).” It’s a bit morbid to be thinking about death. Or is it?
One of the ladies I work with shared with me that she didn’t understand why we had played,”It Is Well With My Soul” at the funeral, but then she figured it out: “Archie’s soul is well because he is now in heaven. Ohhhh!”
I smiled and so appreciated her sharing. Taylor and I neither blame or question God. He had His reasons and even if we knew the answers to the questions people expect us to have, that wouldn’t change our situation or bring Archie back. We both feel like we don’t have the energy to put into asking…for nothing.
I told her, our souls are fine. It’s the daily living that sucks.
Which brings me to the numbness. Today, I enjoyed work, was suppose to attempt my first outing with the “ladies over 40” but at the last minute a change happened and I couldn’t go. Home to a quiet house where Taylor has 4 days left of college.
Her life is going to completely change after nearly 16 straight years of school (she’ taken summer classes since the 8th grade, so no summers off, either), and she is scared of the next step. The void of the “have to’s around every corner,” does not give her a sense of relief, but emptiness. She has a need to accomplish: Currently, if she gets a 19.5 out of a 20, she wants to know why. She received a 96 out of 100 this week and is beyond upset because she fears it will effect her GPA. She MUST ACCOMPLISH. She’s driven. She’s Archie Junior…but yet not.
She had her Exit Interview at Grace this week. She told her profs she will not sell herself or her moments for/to any job. She does not want to work for a company who will erase her in less than three weeks. That situation made an eternal impression on her. She is a very broken and searching young woman. They are both praying for her.
…with brings me to my inability to fix things for Taylor or myself. Sometimes I just get tired of crying. I get tired of being sad. I almost wish them away, but I can’t. I have to get on the other side of them. Taylor must get on the other side of them. That’s why we attend Grief Share.
My verse for tonight is a bit of an odd one. Even though I do not like my current state, I feel like Jesus is saying to me what he said to the invalid by the pool in John 5:6 “6 When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?”
I have only been “here” two months. It’s misery, but He asks me daily,”Do you want to be healed?”. I do. Everyday I do the next right thing, even when I DON’T WANT TO, in any shape or form, but I know I need to. I spend time with Him. That’s the most important. I’ve said it before and I will continue: I can’t fix me, but my heavenly Dad can heal me. That can only happen if I spend time with Him. My life is not about me–although sometimes I’m so selfish you would think it is.
When I felt I couldn’t write tonight because of the numbness, I put on some music (that’s the reverse: usually I write and listen to music, but today there were no words) but every song that said what I needed to hear was slooooow. They were not encouraging TONIGHT. Maybe tomorrow those same songs will be perfect, but tonight they were irritating. My heavenly Dad helped me find a song with the needed words but expressed them in a way I needed to hear. See? God loves me the way I need to be loved, not the way anyone else thinks I should be loved. No cookie cutter boxes or boxes that require “checking”. Just a relationship. I love my heavenly Dad.
May you see and GRAB the hope that is in front of you. Sweet dreams…of hope.