Socks. Do you associate socks with tears? I didn’t either, until now.
With Taylor on the last leg of college and the week of New Release, laundry got a little behind. It was clean, but the folding and putting away were put on the back burner.
Oh, well, Archie won’t mind if I borrow socks from him, his are all clean, matched and put away where I can find them. All of his socks are black, so it’s not like it takes long to decide, “which pair”. Low and behold under the socks is a neatly folded, and very old piece of paper. I pick it up and gently unfold it. It’s a “love note” I wrote to him in high school, 28 years ago….really? Tears.
I wondered what else he had up his sleeve and under his tee-shirts is a Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day card (Taylor admitted helping him pick out the Mother’s Day card for me). She said she found it, handed it to him and said,”this sounds like Mom,” he said it was “perfect” and bought it. We always got each other Father’s Day and Mother’s Day cards, so technically he had this one covered….tears.
Those are the times that life swirls and I feel like I am in a fog again. It’s like he keeps reminding me of what we had…but can never have again. It’s sweet and endearing and excruciatingly painful all at the same time. The elephant sits again on my chest and I can’t breath. I don’t even know where or how to begin processing those emotions.
We are/were both savers of cards. I think both of us has/had every card we’d ever given each other. So now the question is: what do I do with the cards I gave to HIM? He has notes, letters, little memory nick-nacks that have inside jokes for just the two of us. Now it’s just me. No one else “gets” or “understands” these objects. It’s not like I want to display them, as they are personal. I don’t want to hold them tightly because they were thoughts and gifts for him. It’s like all of these “things” are the boxes that held the most wonderful gift in the world-Archie-and without the object of my affection, the containers are just pretty boxes with no meaning.
We haven’t covered this in grief share… . Maybe tomorrow… .
Psalms 56:8-9″You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? 9Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; This I know, that God is for me.…”
God knew I needed socks that day. He allowed my mind to wander to Archie lending/giving me his socks. He knew I could handle just a bit more today than I could yesterday, so he allowed me to find the note and cards. If you want to think of the bottles that my heavenly Dad is keeping my tears in, think of the water cooler size and the storage facility of PepsiCo. He has documented every single tear.
The enemy is sorrow and fear–that my memories will never bring smiles…only tears. But through it all, I know God is for me. He loves me. I have hope that I will be ok…someday. Again I say, “It is well with my soul…”