Week three at church. Pastor Dave is talking about the Gospel 101. I had two “nuggets” for today. The first: he had several points about recognizing fake gospels. The one that popped out at me was: Jesus + _____ is a fake gospel. What that means is that Jesus died on the cross for your sins. If people try to add more,”You need your ABC’s THEN you have to do_____, to get to heaven” then it’s a fake gospel. Jesus died to pay the penalty for sins. Period.
The other point that struck me was when when he pointed out how people make a mockery out of grace. “God will forgive me later, so I’m going to do ______ right now.” Sad. One of his examples was he said,”Hey Christy (his wife), I’m going to go have an affair. God and you will forgive me later.” Ummmm, eeeeeeah(that’s the sound a buzzer makes). That’s not the way marriage is suppose to work, or our salvation.
He then talked about divorce. He compared it to the death of a spouse. He said divorce is more painful… .
I would agree. Right now I live in agony, all the time, but I have hope for healing. I am the product of divorce, so I lived with seeing the everyday pain of one fairy tale turn into two different stories, both characters watching how the other’s novel was unfolding. Though I have amazing step-parents, who I love as parents, the pain from the burden each carried was a weight to be shared with their new partners.
Taylor and I sneak out of church when they start the last songs. We still don’t want people to ask,”how are you doing,” but today we were stopped by some very dear friends from long ago. We didn’t mind saying,”It’s just a day at a time,” and they smiled and said they understood. They have a beautiful love story, too, with three wonderful children, the last getting married in three weeks then graduating from college in December. It was nice to see how happy they were and we were introduced to the in-law-to-be. Did I mention their daughter’s name is also Taylor? 🙂 The two Taylors were roomies at basketball camps when they were little.
My Taylor and I walked away talking about how cute they were, all dressed in green, looking like they were about to take a family picture. The weird thing is, we were both so very happy for them. Neither of us felt jipped or slighted. They are an amazing family and we are grateful their family is growing.
Then home. Taylor was invited to her bff’s family’s house for lunch. They have 5 kids ages 12ish-24. She spent the afternoon and really enjoyed the time with them. She is such a people person. I was glad she could step away from her college work long enough to enjoy jovial conversation.
Today was an afternoon of solitude for me. Sometimes it can be painful, not loneliness, but the reflection. All the things I am doing, Arch would have been by my side and we would be talking about what we expected to happen as neither of us have been to a four year college graduation. But he’s not here, so my mind is wondering from one thought to the next, curious if any of it is actually going to happen. That’s when it hurts. Knowing I am going…and he is missing out.
Skittles, Reese’s cups, and coffee for lunch–don’t judge, one has….peanut butter. That has to have some sort of protein…or something. I have no children I have to teach eating habits and no spouse to care for so, at least chalk it up to the fact I could check off a meal…ish.
If it makes you feel any better, later I did eat a piece of cold pizza as I was running between rooms.
Tonight I am shaping paper flowers. As I am drinking my (decaf) coffee, I am reflecting on my crazy day full of scanning and sorting pictures, making grad mints, sanding and staining the window, all things I enjoy and don’t consider work, I think of my weirdo lunch. For some reason the Wednesday before Archie went home came to mind:
The beginning of each round of chemo started with two full-day treatments 7-8 hours, then the third day just a couple of hours. On day one of round two, we spent the day together in the cancer center, with the chemo hooked up to his port. It was an 8.5 hour day. Meals are included for cancer patients, but visitors order from the hospital menu. I didn’t budget for such things. I had my fiber bars and free coffee–breakfast and lunch: check! Archie always asked me if I wanted to order anything, but we didn’t need to spend the money. He had been off work for a couple of weeks, I wasn’t getting in my full 40 as he was “leaking” a lot during that time and the hospital had become a home away from home. I knew exactly where the free crackers and coffee were located :).
The next day I got him settled in and ran to work for just a couple of hours, then back to the hospital. When I got there it was lunch time. Archie asked, of course, if I wanted to order anything for lunch. I smiled, “No, I’m just going to grab a cup of coffee. My bar is in my purse.” This time he was all smiles, “No! You can order anything you want!” I was puzzled.
The nutritionist had come to Archie after I left. The lady having chemo across from us the previous day had been watching us while she was having her consultation with her. The lady starting taking notes (the nutritionists was excited that this woman was so interested!). Then, as the nutritionist was getting ready to leave, this lady handed her an envelop and asked her to give it to the “nice couple” across from her.
When the nutritionist gave it to Archie she stayed until he opened it. In it was a very nice note. It told Archie to keep fighting and that his wife needed to eat with him. She included three meal tickets for the cafeteria. Archie went home before I could use any of them.
That’s when the solitude is painful. It’s not the part about being by myself. It’s the memories as my mind is fluttering from one thing to the next, the plans we had made and things we had in place for that “next adventure”, that now lay dormant. It’s the part of not knowing how to “file” all of these plans in my head that feel like they are in “pending”, but have actually been, “cancelled”. I guess that is one of my mountains in my life right now and I don’t understand what to do with it… .
“and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
Peace of God…and that will be my prayer. Good night all… .