Last night I hit a pretty big low point. More insurance stuff was messed up, bank stuff messed up, cobra stuff–nightmare. For every step forward I take, I am yanked two steps back. I was angry.
I was angry because Archie died and not me. No, not suicidal. If I died I have one insurance policy, just enough to bury me. He files once, throws me into the ground and except for taking my name off of the license plates, his work is pretty much done. He’d keep his regular health insurance, no worries about cobra and Obama Care. He could make the payments on the house–no worries about a roof over their heads. He had his 401k, he could save for retirement. Bucket-list–it was possible to keep it in tact. I’m taking all of the emotion out of this, so I am not addressing the feeling side AT ALL, so don’t judge. Sounds very cut and dry.
But that’s not the way it worked…..
Tonight we started Grief Share. Ok, so I’ll admit, I kept trying to come up with reasons through out the day why I possibly couldn’t make it. Then I came home and had a mini blow up, not at anybody, just angry. Taylor said, “I going with you tonight mom.” Hmmmm…..why? This was very unexpected. “I just….don’t feel right.”
She is really struggling with loosing her grandma her senior year of high school and now her dad her senior year of college. She is….broken, and doesn’t know how to “get fixed.”
I’m angry and I am not an angry person. So, I am…..broken, and I don’t know how to “get fixed.” There are so many hurdles to jump on this journey and it seems like everyone else is on the fast track to–somewhere, and I can’t even get on the road to get started!
I thought I was doing ok, until I cleaned out Archie’s office (See: The Value of a Moment for reference). I haven’t been ok, since. Quotes in our book, by Dr. Stephen Viars,”God doesn’t expect us to put a plastic smile on a broken heart,” and “God values authenticity.”
We aren’t going to say,”fine,” or “ok” if we really aren’t. If that’s what people want to hear, I hope they don’t ask. It’s exhausting keeping up the wall of unauthenticity–is that a word? Well, I’m using it.
They also said (like what Pastor Jason and Archie and I talked about two days before he died),”We grieve much because we loved much.” Taylor and I are grieving A LOT, so we must have loved him bunches.
Psalm 61:1-2 “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; 2from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,”
We feel like we keep calling, but the prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. My anger, her emptiness. We know in our hearts He hears, it just doesn’t feel like it sometimes.
For the next little while we are going to walk through this book. When it comes to the narrative the world usually offers, I can’t see stories the way I used to. It’s been very quiet for a couple of days, and that is yet another loss. So, let’s see if we can find and get back some of what we are loosing, the essence of who we are.