I am disobedient. There. I said it. If you are looking for some wise person who is holy, holy, holy, move on to a different blog.
The way my writing works is: God nudges me or shows up in “ah, ha” moments. When ramblings are going through my mind I often cannot rest until “it” is in writing. It’s my job to…not get in God’s way.
Last night I was awake at 2 am. I needed to get up and write, but I didn’t want to. It’s hard for me to fall asleep nights, so getting up at 2 seemed like an unrealistic expectation. Have you ever disobeyed God? It’s not like I got struck by lightning or broke out in boils, I just never got back to sleep. Had I gotten up and written, I would have had a weight lifted off my chest and slept like a baby the rest of the night, but did I? No. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I know. That probably never happens to you. I am sure you have self discipline and are more Godly.
Today was going to be a difficult day, and my heavenly Dad knew it.
Today I took my pictures back to work. My office space looks like it’s back to normal. I took lunch, just like normal. A tour came through and I laughed, joked, and conversed, just like normal. This is my new normal.. but I don’t feel normal.
Last night God opened the door for me to process this day ahead of time. My heavenly Dad knows me, my heart, and what I need. He knew I needed to write but, I missed the blessing. Have you ever missed a blessing?
When I was a kid I always thought if I didn’t “toe the line” God was going to rain down fire and brimstone. I believed God only had one route for me to travel and if I didn’t figure it out precisely, I would live in misery because I would be “out of God’s will.” No grace. No account for the joys and passions He placed in my heart. Missionary work was safe. Getting married and having children, that was safe. Going to church regularly, that was a definite MUST (again with the fire and brimstone). When something bad happened those around stood in judgment. I must have “earned” a punishment. Bad things were reaped for poor choices(what was sown). Sad.
I cannot turn back the clock. 2 am has come and gone and there is not an option to make a different choice. Does this mean there are forever consequences and I live under eternal judgment? I believe no. God loves me. He gave His only son to die, just for me. Even if I was the only one on earth, He would have done the same.
In the same respect, God loved Archie. His cancer was not a judgment on him…or me. His life was a gift and he helped me know and understand God in ways I never imagined. He demonstrated love through forgiveness as a reflection of my heavenly Dad. I am grateful for the last 27 yrs and know without a doubt, God has not forsaken me, even when I don’t like my, “new normal.”
This is not my “normal” way of writing, but today is not a “normal” day. One week ago today I said my last goodbyes and the love of my life asked you one last question: What will you do with the time you have left? You have been blessed with TWO weeks longer than Archie. Now MY question: How’s it going?