The Break Up

Philippians 2:2-4 “complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

“Happy Tuesday!” I say that to you tongue in check, or so they say. I chuckle as on a blog day, Heavenly Dad has a tendency to nudge me in the wee hours and whisper,”Come on…it’s time.” He gently takes me by the hand and we begin.

Lately I wonder if or why Volume Two should be documented. Volume One, the story of The New York/Virginia boy who saved the life of the misplaced Indiana girl, went largely unrecorded. Now this same girl, the once 87 pound anorexic senior in high school, widowed at 45, emptied of identity, security, passion, and drive (to name a few) is emerging from the devastation.

Volume One’s closing chapters consist of Heavenly Dad reaching through the flames consuming the only life she knew. He chose not to tame or quench the fire, but encompass her. When the flickering embers were all that remained, He stood with her, dirty and reeking of smoke. Heavenly Dad lifted her chin and gazed into her eyes without pity but hope. He told her not to focus on the surrounding darkness, so thick it was hard to breath, but look at Him. He would lead. In an even voice He said said don’t look down or worry about where to put her foot next but into His eyes. Trust and believe that He would help and guide her, one step at a time. With a low voice He said not to be anxious or concern herself about where she was going. He challenged her to have faith that He would get her to safety, whatever that looked like and no matter how long it took.

The final pages are the glimpses of fresh sprouts peeking through the ash and a sunrise emerging from what seemed and felt like an eternal night.

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The end of Thanksgiving 2018 left me hopeful but guilt ridden about how my life and choices where affecting my adult child. Communication from others was often from a distance, as if I was in a glass house and the sound emerged from either side of the wall, never directly to me. Like an animal in a zoo or a performer in a circus, there is a curiosity about how they will act or react. If a patron isn’t happy with the what they were seeing (my reactions to certain situations were not what was expected or what they wanted to see) they had the freedom to walk away. I felt stuck behind the glass wall, feeling violated but staring at either emptiness or my child with downcast eyes, exhausted and confused by the barrage of questions without answers from the passersby. Her sad eyes would then look at me but with unearned guilt as she was trying to answer questions that could only come from the person behind the glass wall. Sadness. Darkness. Ash.

Many thanks to those that walked through the door of the glass house, especially Grace, who made herself at home. When the tiny sprouts would peek from beneath the rubble in the midst of conversation about Heavenly Dad, she wouldn’t pause but a moment. She’d brush off the ash in mid sentence as if the spout was expected and not a surprise. When a seedling of question arose (she walked with me through dating) she didn’t run from the house screaming. She put her hand on my shoulder, peered over and asked me questions out of love. I will always be grateful.

These are paragraphs taken from pages of later chapters of Volume One.

Taylor survived and so did I but Eric and my relationship needed to be evaluated. Admittedly by Mr. Michigan, he was still extremely divorce minded. Self preservation was of first and foremost importance. He was lacking the ability that only comes from HD to Phil 2:4 “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” This caused feelings of insecurity and mistrust on my part. After two separate but distinct events, I decided I needed to step away. I was seeking a forever unity, Phil. 2:2 “complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind,” not individual paths running in the same direction.

I explained this (I do want to say physically, he was a complete and total gentleman, always showing me respect), told him I didn’t think it best for us to date anymore, even though I cared for him, and sent the shaving kit back to him that he had left. Unbeknownst to me, however,
one day while I was at work he had driven to Elkhart County and put in resumes. The job he really wanted he told them he wasn’t going to leave until they gave him a chance–and they did! So now he had a job in the area, but no girl! What now? But that is for another day.

Until next time: Blessings!

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