Proverbs 4:7 “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom,
and whatever you get, get insight.”
Some days I want to leave the wisdom for someone else to find or figure out. Do you know what I mean?
Every night I pull the sheet out and make up the couch when it’s time to go to bed. I tried for peaceful sleep in a bedroom on and off for two and a half years and have finally accepted the reality that my normal is never going to be for everyone else. A freshly made sofa is where peaceful sleep finds me. For the first time, this morning it hit me that it is probably because I would fall asleep with my back against Arch for 27 yrs so there is comfort in the back of a sofa. It has only taken 3 yrs for this realization-go figure🙄.
I woke abrupty at 1 am, without an inkling as to why. I lay listening to the train whistle as it drew closer, rumbled through town, then melodiously echoed it’s way into the distance. In the stillness I hear the furnace purr and the hum of it’s blower. The click of the thermostat, a few minutes more and silence returns.
The road in front of my house is desolate. As I lay listening to the nothingness, another train makes it way through our little town, without a “howdy” or meetin’ the locals. In seconds, the 270,000 – 435,000 lb machine disappeared as if it never existed. Again, nothingness. My mind goes to my meeting with Heavenly Dad but we vear from the “normal…”.
I hear the door open and latch closed. Next, steps glide smoothly across the floor to where one of my antique red velvet rockering chairs wait patiently. The creak of the springs tells me my guest has made themselves at home in the darkness. I pinch my eyes tight, pretending to be asleep. I know who it is but I don’t want to talk.
A car passes my house and I hear the spray of water from the wet February road. More silence. I am turned facing the back of my couch but can feel the eyes staring at me, knowing I am awake but choosing not to interact.
“Are you ready to talk about this?” The voice of Heavenly Dad gently breaks the silence. I roll over and make out his silhouette in the darkness. I take a deep breath and exhale loudly.
I turn back over, feeling lonelier than ever, which makes no sense because Heavenly Dad was right there. Part of me wished He would just go away so that I had justification to feel alone. Another part wished He would ask prodding questions to help me figure out the feelings of emptiness.
This all started yesterday and I remember pleading, “Please, oh please, fill this extreme void.” I felt…hollow. Thankfully I was at work and there are people and situations to distract, but then I have to go home. Though I have a best friend that I hang out with a couple of times a week, this was not going to be “fixed” in two hours.
I focus on the outline of the back of the sofa in silence. Why doesn’t HD say something? I’m frustrated that He’s not trying to pry it out of me, whatever ‘it’ is. Another train and more silence. I contemplate my options: lay and stew (having a personal pity party), continue to wait, shuffling about, HOPING He will ask the questions I want Him to ask, or suck up my pride and speak to Him. Crap. Do you see the answer in there?
I can hear Heavenly Dad quietly rocking in my chair. I slowly sit up, tuck my covers around me and adjust my pillows(taking my time to get my thoughts together).
In my head I wonder,”Do I wait for him or do I just talk, which He is obviously reading my mind and probably smiling in the dark.” With that thought, He reaches over and clicked on the lamp. I take a gulp, swallowing my pride and begin.
“Ok, Dad, it’s like 2 am and You are here. You’ve know I’m struggling and yesterday I was pleading for you to fill this empty void. I don’t care about ‘normal,’ at this moment. I just don’t want the emptiness.”
Rocking, Dad asks, “When you feel hollow, what echoes do you hear?”
Yikes! Where did that come from? “Probably the,’I’m not enough,’ thing,” I sigh. There are birthdays and anniversaries coming up that remind me of ‘nevers’. I’ll never celebrate a 50 yr wedding anniversary, 40, or even 30. I feel like I’ve done something wrong and am being punished but I know, in my heart that’s not true.”
“So when those feeling and thoughts arise, what do you do? I heard you call out, and I gave you more work to do, but I sensed the emptiness linger.
Do you remember I said, ‘And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9’? When you feel empty, are you focusing on what’s missing or on filling the void in other people’s lives? If you are doing for others, where is in your heart/what are your motives? ‘Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Phil 2:3’
It is common to focus on loss, it hurts, everyone needs to grieve and you are the only one who can choose to move forward. You don’t ‘get over’ loose, you choose to move through it, and let me carry the weight of it for you so you can spread your wings for new adventure.
I have put people in your life now to share some new adventure. It’s up to you to stay where you are at, listening to empty echoes and focusing on loss or adjust your sight line to see those you can interact with around you, starting today. You ask, I give, but will you receive and continue to move forward? The choice is yours.”
With that I stood up for my morning routine of folding blankets. I turned to thank Him for keeping my head on straight but, He was gone.
Until next time, when hopefully my sight lines will have been adjusted: Blessings!