But It’s The Voice…

“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our ‘God is a consuming fire’” (Hebrews 12:28–29).

”Consuming fire…”. Let me step out of the shadows, lift my tired gaze, and admit to you and myself: I’m not feeling very consumed by Him, at this moment.

It’s my crazy time of year: teaching, training and now rehabbing the Cat house. Each of those wonderful things  take  a lot of time to give them the attention they need and deserve but, where does Heavenly Dad fit in?

This week I was grumpy. Tired from traveling,  living at the Cat house so I can work on her when I rise and be for I go to bed, I was feeling…ok, I’ll admit it: jealous. I like all the things I’m doing but my pool of who I share feelings or experience is…  .

Moving on.

So Arch and I both said that nothing felt “real” until we told the other person. Bad or good, it could not sink in until we saw the effect on the other person’s face. Sometimes that meant we had to guard our reactions because we knew that the reflection of news was going to make or break the other person. That’a why, with the first round of cancer Arch was very honest,”I can’t see you cry. If you can’t handle this, I can’t handle this.” So, he didn’t.

All that to say that when we were together we’d mentally join hands, like playing Red Rover as a kid, and take on hit after hit. As long as we heald tight we grew stronger along with our sphere of influence.

I miss the hand.

I often feel like it’s just me, hunched over, struggling to take one step forward, then another, as the hurricane of life is mightily trying to hold me back or push me down…yea, that’s it…PUSH:

Pray-Until-Something-Happens aaaand that’s what I do, usually.

Sometimes, though, I’m tired. I let my guard down and talk about how the storm makes me “feel.” Scratch that: what feelings I choose to focus on during the storm. That can be a problem because if I share a down time caused by the fact I had forgotten to eat lunch and my sugar was probably low or I only got four hours of sleep for two days,  the person I am sharing with won’t have an honest picture of who I really am (an exhausted, hungry person who will handle things much better after she eats and sleeps). The point is, I miss Archie to share my feelings and reflect the excitement or disappointment that is going on in my life. I miss that when we would work on a project one or both of us would call,”when! We knew we were done for the day. We’d chat as we’d clean up and make plans for when we’d go at it again. I miss falling a sleep to his voice as he recanted the adventures of our project. 2  1/4 years and I miss… .

Yep…jealous. Not that I want what anybody else has. I’m just aching for what I did have and lost—though I know exactly where he is.

During the times of extreme lows is when Heavenly Dad nudges,”Are you SERIOUSLY alone? Dig deep and be honest—with yourself.”

”No, Dad…you are here. But….I can’t fall a sleep at night to the sound of Your voice. When I want to call someone so badly I could explode and TELL them something exciting or devastating that the ache in my chest makes me crumble, you can’t pick up the phone.”

Silence.

An inaudible voice whispers in my soul: ”Do you trust me?”

If I’m not “consumed” by Heavenly Dad it’s because I am choosing to place trust in me, have faith in ME, instead of Him (is that a terrify thought or what!!?!)

Do I trust HIM? Yes. What about the voice to lull me to sleep? What about the dead phone line???

What am I choosing to focus on? A Heavenly Dad who provides, Taylor, a house and job I love. Again and again it comes back to me loosing the focus because I’m looking at me.

This week I’m am going to continue working on getting out of my own way, praying through the times that I “miss the voice,” and reminding myself to be “ALL IN!” when it comes to Heavenly Dad.

Until next time: Blessings !

 

 

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