“He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord” (Psalm 40:3)
Fear…my chest feels tight, breathing labored and I would swear the temperature just shot to 110 degrees because the instant flash of sweat is unstopable.
My dear friend, Elaine, called this week. She’s Heartfelt family and calls to talk about collections that are upcoming, but sometimes just to discuss what’s going on in her life and get ideas for cards or projects. She’s been ill a lot this year and I’ve hurt for her with all of the physical trials and complications this dear lady has battled in the last 365 days.
She always asks me how Taylor and I are doing. I smile, though on the phone, give a quick overview, especially of Taylor, because I am so very proud of how determined and focused of a young woman she is, and keep the answers about myself short and sweet. This time, she asked me if I were going to do Easter cards (one of my goals for the future). I took a breath and said,”No, Elaine, to be honest, I won’t be crafting for a bit because I am moving….” Pause.
Quiet, then with exuberance Elaine said,”Oh, Tracy, I am so happy for you! You are brave! You need to do this.”
Her words echo in my head,”You are brave… .” I don’t feel brave. If it weren’t for the angels and my daughter cheering me on, I would feel like mush. Their words of life keep me climbing out of bed with hope that the future will make my current everyday pale in comparison to what lies ahead. They truly are Heavenly Dad with skin on.
The next day my office buddy, Kathy, said,”Do you feel sad with the thought of moving away from memories?” I was very truthful and said,”To be honest, I work a lot, then I go home and work on both houses. I don’t have time to think about missing anything. Sometime I wonder if when this is all over I will be like,’Crap! What the heck did I do???’ ”
I doubt that is going to happen. It’s been two years, a very difficult to years. Every good thing that happens in this house feels like,”Archie missed it.” I am hoping moving to a house that he didn’t know anything about will clear a path for me to make memories without a shadow because he isn’t missing out on ANYTHING. He’s in heaven! There is nothing that can happen here on earth that can even begin to compare. Basically, I have to stop feeling guilty/sorry for myself.
I got through the first year. I fought to move forward the second year, expanding my professional world but dreaded coming home, except to see Taylor and the fury kids. Now with Taylor on her own, it’s time… .
This takes me to the fear. This entire situation, though I am excited about a life that is “Tracy Sized,” if I would stop and think about everything individaully that is going to change, I would freeze and be unable to move forward. I think the last two years were the end result of a “Revival,” as explained by Sammy Tipit this morning in church. He said,”A revival isn’t the explosion out of the top, it’s when the bottom falls out and you plummet until you come to know what your rock is. That’s what lifts you up.” The ride back up is scary. When you are plummeting, you are watching the world go by in lightning speed. It’s watching everyone else living life and seeing how far they have come, how big the kids are, where people have moved to, grandkids born, LIFE happening. I feel like the plummeting froze time. I can’t believe Archie has been gone two years, but it feels like I haven’t talked to him in forever.
It’s time to trust the Rock and cling, as He is taking me back to the ground level of life, facing the fears:
“I fear if I change anything, I am setting myself up for failure and I must not be grateful for what I have.”
“I fear financial ruin.”
“I fear driving farther and car/safety issues.”
“I fear that if I move I will continue to hide, not really moving forward because it is easier to not put myself out there, fearing judgment and the opinions of others.”
“I fear the widow stigma will follow me until I die.” If you don’t know what that is, be grateful.
“If I move forward, I fear Archie will disappear. He can’t do that.” Then I realize it’s not my job to MAKE everyone remember. If they forget, it is their loss, as he is worth remembering.
My mantra(s) for the day,”Cling to the Rock, cling to the Rock, cling to the Rock.” and “fear is a liar, fear is a liar, fear is a liar.”
Bottom line: there are always going to be things that are scary and that I fear. Being brave is being couragous INSPITE/in the midst of fear, not the absence of fear. Heavenly Dad is in control. Period.
Until next time: Blessings!