As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. 1 Samuel 17:48
What would life look like if, when our enemies attack, our world collapsed, or grief engulfed us, we ran towards it, and shouted,”Let’s do this!”
The morning is dark and light is just beginning to break through the horizon. A full day of adventure, without heat, and the high is suppose to be 23 degrees sparks the thought, “We can do this.” Off to be a David,”Hooo, oooh!”
And then life puts on the breaks: Seven days and counting. That’s how many days until Archie’s second birthday in heaven. It is constantly on my mind, along with the cancer battle, and the reasons in my mind why Heavenly Dad chose to take him home. I wonder, “Will it ever get easier?” Taylor wonders, too. Tears, more tears.
“Focus, Tracy, focus.” is the chant running through my head.
Everywhere I look there is a memory, a project we did together, Archie’s handiwork, pictures, mementos, stories Taylor and I tell. They are all good. They are precious. What I am realizing, however painful, is that is where we are stuck. We both live in the “world of Archie,” and in 7 days he will have been gone for two years.
There is more to life than waiting to meet up with our loved ones in heaven. What does that look like???
This morning in church they asked,”What is grieving?” You could hear crickets chirping. No one wanted to offer an opinion. Finally, I braved the possible judgment and offered,”Grieving is an action. Healing is also an action and, to me, these two words are interchangeable when it comes to suffering a loss. Grieving can be hard work and painful, also like healing, when the surgeon has to scrub the wound to get out debris or dirty elements so healing can occur.” I guess my answer was ok, because there were nods of agreement.
Where is the balance of healthy grieving and being stuck in grief? Grief is kinda like the black hole of sorrow, where grieving, to me, is the clawing and climbing out of the pit. Since each loss is individual, every instance will be, as well. With that being said, I’m stuck, but yet not. It’s a journey.
Heavenly Dad is making a way. Remember I talked about the angels from last week? To stop being “stuck” I had to get to a place where I recognized that I cannot continue doing what I’ve always done, but expect healing to occur in spite of that. Does that make sense?
Let me make it more clear: I think Heavenly Dad has worked in me for a peace that Archie is safe, loved, pain free and Heavenly Dad took him home to save him from…something worse, whatever that could have been. I have to be ok with that, because he is not coming back, and Heavenly Dad knows what is best.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I need to let the Archie and Tracy dreams go/die. They were based on two people, and I am trying to keep those alive as a single. I am more tired than I can express, not just from the physical sacrifice, but emotional guilt.
The Elijah competition from last week’s post seems like a million years ago since there have been dozens of face leaking moments between then and now. Now, back to the journey at hand.
Focus. Choosing to think for a period of time on the past, process the emotions, then giving it to Heavenly Dad and move forward.
Forward: After moments of tears, memories, and laughter with Taylor Saturday, we went together to work on “Mom’s new journey.” Layers of work jeans and thermals, three shirts each, hats, gloves and with David’s grit in our eyes, we ran towards the battle. We met the “angels” and were welcomed with hot cocoa with marshmallows, kindness, words of wisdom, lots of sacrifice on their part and more healing.
After they left, we attacked the task at hand. Things can get messy in battle. In one carefully planned maneuver, 5+ year old rusty, thick water shot me in the face, me laughing as I’m spitting and Taylor with the squishy face like “that’s revolting” but grinning as she was caught in the cross fire. Taking my sleeve and wiping the red muck from my face, a couple more projects down and then we decided, since I was dressed to the “nines” in my holey jeans, and had just had my “make-up” applied via pipe, the next thing to do was head to the store! Oh, the looks we got. We made a memory (maybe some for others, as well ;o) ).
The point? My current battle is fighting through the grief that threatens to keep me in a leaky faced state, staying where I am, caught in a constant state of exhaustion and surrounded by/reliving memories, instead of letting go and embracing opportunities to make new ones.
I am choosing to run toward this battle, Heavenly Dad in front and behind, leading the way and protecting my backside.
What battles are you fearfully waiting to see what happens that you could be charging at?
Until next time: Blessings!