Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31
Sometimes that means don’t do to others what you don’t want them to do to you. That’s a can of worms, isn’t it?
I have had a couple of days of rejection. The first was an event I have been praying for a door to open and just when it looked like everything lined up, the bottom fell out and the dream disappeared in a single moment. Then I applied for a hiking group and my inquiry was declined, without explanation. Finally, my normal Sunday routine was anything but routine and I felt as though I was a giant failure to the kids in the group.
Taylor joined me after service and just when I was explaining what a disaster I felt the morning had been, Collin, one of the little ones from the class came up to me, arms out, for a big hug. “Wow, heavenly Dad, I needed that.” Then on to Sunday School.
In our small church/Sunday school we discuss the message that was preached. I leave the service early so I can check in, turn on the lights, and start checking kids in. With that being said, when they were discussing the sermon, I felt like I had been sitting in the hallway during Pastor Dave’s message. I didn’t remember anything of what thy were talking about. I knew I was tired, but I felt like I was from Mars or something. I sat, not getting involved, feeling very overwhelmed and disconnected. All I kept thinking was how tired I was and that that was probably the issue. Ultimately, however, I didn’t understand where the feelings of being lower than a snake’s belly came from.
Finally, the class was over and we could quietly make our escape without anyone being the wiser. I wasn’t up to small talk, speaking with the gentleman that said he was going to come over to be the “man power” for moving Taylor’s sofa then never showed up, or even standing on the outskirts of conversations, pretending to be involved.
Taylor was spending the day with me to finish our baking, but the ride was silent. In my head I was thinking about all of the rejection and the feelings of worthlessness. The week’s failures jumped on that bandwagon and every mistake that had been stuffed and not confessed or dealt with seemed to creep in from every direction. My radio doesn’t work, so no combating the negativity with song, just silent feelings and memories running through my mind like the reel to reels of old.
This is where my choice of the morning came in: Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31
Part of me wanted to open my mouth and tell Taylor about the war taking place in my head: my value verses my failures. If I did that I would be laying baggage on her that she is not equipped to carry. She would want to “fix” mom but would be unable because these were issues that only the the great Designer could see the truth through the chaos in my head.
Instead, 20 minutes or so into the drive, I opened my mouth and said something like this:
“Taylor, I’ve got a lot of crap going on in my head about all the the stuff that hasn’t worked out or things I have screwed up. I have a choice right now. I could either tell you about them and then you would feel badly because there is nothing you could do to help, or I can pray through this because heavenly Dad knows all about theses issues anyway. If these issues continue to haunt, I will get counseling, but I am telling you this because I am hoping this is going to help you in future relationships.
There are going to be times when you feel despair or unhappy. Heavenly Dad can heal, but sometimes instead of going to Him we open our mouths and dump our baggage on people who can’t fix our issues and then they just feel badly. Also, if someone does that over and over the people around them feel drained and feel like that person is never happy or content. I see this a lot in marriages. What I’m saying is: when crap in going through your head, pray through it, seek the Truth.”
The truth is I was tired. Things also weren’t lining up to what MY expectations were, as if I know what is best for me. That is a trust issue on my part: am I going to be glad that heavenly Dad closed doors to protect me or throw a mental tantrum because “I wanted it”? Then there is also the disappointment of someone not showing up/following through. As I was praying through this I was reminded that I am not a judge. My job is not to place myself above anyone else to decide the punishment I feel someone has earned for their shortcomings. I need to deal with my own and the truth is, heavenly Dad knows the exact time the sofa and furniture need to be moved. It’ll all get there when it’s suppose to.
As for the little ones and my feelings of failure…the hug went a long way.
We got home, ate some lunch, popped in White Christmas, then It’s a Wonderful Life and….I napped through most of both. AFTER that, we baked cookies, wrapped presents and before I went to bed heavenly Dad gave me this. To me, it was a reminder to be truthful/honest with my feelings and not believe the lies of this world that I am a failure and life is unfair. First and foremost I have to be willing to have the truth be revealed and be willing to change myself in the middle of circumstances that are not going to change.
Until next time: Blessings!