- Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”
Do you ever feel like,”Search me O God, but please don’t go too deep, because you are not going to like what you see.”?
My new adventure begins in just hours. I should be excited, but instead I am sitting in despair, dwelling on thoughts of self doubt.
“Why am I allowed this opportunity to teach on a cruise ship? Who am I? What if I stumble and don’t represent heavenly Dad and Heartfelt well? What if I disappoint the ladies who have sacrificed to go on this cruise? What if my paperwork is screwed up? What if I forgot to do something, am rejected and not allowed to even board, letting down not only my employers but our wholesaler, as well? What was I thinking to even venture out? Am I not grateful for everything heavenly Dad has allowed me at home that I feel it necessary to want more? Am I an ingrate?” I puddle.
Being in an unfamiliar city, extremely early in the morning, with negative tapes playing in my head, I needed something. Food? Being honest, if I wasn’t lactose intolerant, I could easily put away a gallon of ice cream with all the toppings, justifying it as breakfast: dairy, pineapple as fruit and the nuts as protein. But…I would still be hungry because I am truly not hungry for food.
TV? It would be soooo easy to flip it on and watch everyone else happily live their lives and not think about my own. I could fill my thoughts with fictional characters and either be grateful I didn’t have to deal their fabricated challenges or wish I had their friends and lives.
Wait this is cable! I could watch people pick out bigger better houses (while really wondering how the heck they can afford to heat and pay taxes on the monstrosities), gals, some guys turned gals, pick out wedding dresses and dramatically walk out for ‘show and tell’ in front of unsupportive entourages, or there’s always something new to buy on a channel to fill some void in my life I was unaware I even had. Then again, there’s always the food network–this line of thought seems to be circling. All the feelings of unworthiness and insecurities are screaming from deep within.
“Heavenly Dad??? What do I do?”
Ask, and He answers. “Come. Spend some time with me.”
I needed to hear Him. “Father, I love your written word, but it’s quiet. Dad, that’s why I am drawn to turn on the TV: it’s company when I am all alone.” Actually, it’s an unhealthy coping skill I have developed. Oh, I can justify it saying it is a necessity of being on the road so much, but I would be lying to myself.
Heavenly Dad loves me enough to stop me from destroying myself, including my own self-talk.
I went to Youtube to find a song. I don’t even know what I was looking for. I just know I needed to feel and know I am not alone, I have value, the unfounded fears are just the dark one messing with my head and heavenly Dad’s got my back. I needed assurance that this trip was His plan for me and He has given me everything I need to succeed and, ultimately, everything is going to be alright.
He gave me this:
My favorite is acapella music because I hear heavenly Dad’s voice in it’s purest form (my opinion only).
I listen over and over to the same song, replace/combating the negative thoughts with the reminder that I am first and foremost a child of God, I am no longer a slave to fear as He is with me, He has rescued me from the dark one who was using the biggest tool possible: my own thoughts and insecurities.
Now I am ready. With heavenly Dad I will walk into this adventure with my head high, knowing this is where He wants me to be at this very moment of my life. I need to keep the focus off of what I think I can or cannot do and let God do what He does best through me. It’s just up to me to not get in His way.
Are you standing in the way of the life heavenly Dad has created for you? What “tapes ” or self talk/lies are you letting play over and over in your head? What are you doing to stop and change them?
Until later: Blessings!