The scene ends, like turning off the TV. My eyes open and I realize it was just anther dream devoid of Archie, but talking about him, sigh. The room is dark. I check my phone, 5.5 hrs since struggling into slumber. That’s a good night, but my eyelids are heavy.
I lay there in the darkness thinking about how cold I am as I pull the cover up under my neck. 10 months ago I would have snuck out to make coffee, like Clisthby, then slid back into bed, snuggled up to Archie and his arm would have automatically gone around me, even if he were asleep. Warm. He was always warm. I’l listen to him breath…in…out…in…out and with out realizing, I’d drift into slumber until the alarm would wake us.
Today I lay and think about how I miss making coffee for Archie every morning. I miss picking a flavor and his grin as he tried to figure out what it was. My eyelids pry open to see the shadow of the lamp from my phone crawling up the wall, then snap shut.
I lay there wondering why, after 10 months, do I still have to miss that so very much, as if it were yesterday.
The unnecessary alarms rings: brrrrring! Peeking out from my swollen lids, the pictures are emerging from the darkness. It’s Sunday. It’s been snowing. I know what that means: a snow day, but without Archie. I take a deep breath and lay there in the quiet, waiting. Sure enough in just moments the fury kids are up and I hear them pleading to go out. They are the ones that get me out of bed each morning. I know that. My heavenly Dad knew I’d need them as He blessed us with them 9 years ago.
My day starts. What to wear to church…I hate picking out clothes. Jeans. Our church takes you as you are and I am grateful for that. It’s cold and snowy and I really am not excited about driving. After I am layered, I trudge out to start the van. Ugh. Inches of snow. I open the door, insert the key and…I can’t do this, remove the key and head back into the house. Back to the fury kids. I head out to the garage to saw down some fire starters to build a fire. Zip zip, zip zip. I don’t feel like this. “Do the next right thing,” I chant to myself. Zip zip, zip zip. I argue with myself,”Who’s bigger? The weather or God?” It’s not like I want to drive, I just know that I am struggling right now and cannot continue doing the same things but expecting a different out come. I drop the saw into the box, put the snow shoes back on and head out to the van, this time starting it.
Taylor and I had spoken the night before about my plan of what service I was going to and invited her to go along. She came out bundled and ready. Out to the snow covered but warm van. I grouched at her about…something, and she looked at me with pained eyes. I apologized. She didn’t deserve the nasties. Into the van she silently crept as I brushed the mounting snow from the hood and lights. We were off, sort of. I had not shoveled as it was coming down steady. Roads are not usually bad if traffic is light, but the road was deceiving. After driving past four houses I ceded and turned around in defeat. I announced to Taylor I was taking a snow day. Taylor offered to make bagels, I brewed coffee, and we turned the computer on to watch the Live Stream from church. Though not there in person, we were there in spirit and ear shot.
Pastor Dave was preaching from John and was talking about how God sent Jesus to be Him with skin on, speaking of incarnation.
John 1:14 And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth.
The point that hit me the most was one of Pastor Dave’s last points. He said,”What’s in you will come out on those around you.” I told you I grouched at Taylor, and that is what I feel like I have been full of this week, yuck. Yesterday I cried more than I have in months. I missed Archie and doing things/serving him.
January is coming. Beginning January 14th, 2016, I never left Archie’s side except to work about 25 hrs per week. He needed assistance with every aspect of life and I was blessed with the opportunity to help.
Yesterday it struck me that every time, over the last two years, we traveled it was about work. There was not a day that passed on our “vacations” that wasn’t schedule. I mourned that when we finally did have the freedom to just be together, it was to fight the battle of cancer.
That is the difficult part of grief. You think you have gotten through something and then a trigger happens and takes you to your knees, in tears. I guess if you are looking for the silver lining, if you are already on your knees you might as well pray :).
Confession: my flashbacks have been pretty nasty this week and I am not handling things as well as I feel I should. That is grief and probably this holiday season. Because I am not processing full thoughts and as I do my mind spiderwebs in more directions than I can reign in for a post, I am just going to listen for heavenly Dad’s words, write for a while, then post after Christmas.
Until December 26th: Blessings and Merry Christmas!