Add it to the Fire

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other” Galatians 5:24-26

Crucifying flesh/passions/desires…not conceited/provoking/or envying… . Can I be like that? Can ANYONE be like that???

As my journey without Grief Share for accountability now begins, literally today, I wonder what my future looks like. Someone recently asked me,”What was the best day of your life?” That was easy: the day Taylor was born. A close second though, about had me in tears: the day she graduated from college. That was the dream Archie and I had for her since the day we knew we were pregnant for her. When that “dream” event came to reality, he was not there. Bitter, very bitter, sweet. This brought up a conversation with my lovely and intuitive daughter.

“Since the best day of my life was the day you were born and the second was overshadowed by “Dad” (Archie) going home, is this the way the rest of my life is going to be? Will I ever be able to hope for another ‘best day of my life’ or will there will always be a pain in the fact that he missed it?” I’m 46, widowed at 45, married 27 of those years, and that is it? No more ‘best days EVER’ to look forward to? Is that the way life works?”

Taylor and I had a mother/daughter coffee night. We haven’t done that in a LOOOOOONG time. Very interesting. We were talking about happiness and what it means.

I was getting my weirdness on, I’m old now, so I’m allowed to do that, and Taylor was like,” Wow, mom, you crack yourself up,” as she was giggling. I joked that I have to look for humor because the world is so full of things to pull me down. I was sharing my thoughts about never having another,”best day of my life” to look forward to. I explained to her,”Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m not happy. I am EXTREMELY grateful! So far heavenly Dad has provided in completely amazing ways, we are paying all of our bills, eating, going to jobs we both love, have a roof over our heads, have our fury kids, and (BONUS) have even budgeted for a coffee date!!!! That is AMAZING! I would never have thought that possible 10 months ago.”

“Wait a minute. I wonder what the difference, if there is a difference, between being grateful and happy? That comparison reminds me of love.” Sorry, I went into “mom” mode.

“I know I’ve told you this a million times, but love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. Lots of times people you love are going to do or say hurtful things to you, and you are not going to ‘feel‘ loving. You are, however, going to choose to serve/help them, even when they don’t deserve it, because you are choosing to love them. You are going to do it with a kind, compassionate, caring spirit. That is love. It is definitely NOT a feeling.” We talked about examples, she smiled, nodded, and responded maturely by not saying,”I know mom, you’ve said it a billion times!” I would, of course, then have to respond,”Great! NOW it’s one billion one.” But, like I said, she has come a long way in her 22 years and far surpassed me in wisdom and common sense of when I was her age. Me with my “know-it-all, have-all-the-answers-ness,” yuck.

How is it that when I was a teenager/twenty something, I thought I had all the answers but as I grow older I realize I have so much to learn, but feel like time is running out? Quite the quandary.

If love is a choice, is happiness? Joy is from the Lord and cannot be taken away. I understand that as I have seen people that have a peace and contentment about them, though in the midst of a whirlwind of despair. “Happiness” I have always thought of as a feeling, joy more associated with the spirit from within.

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

If I have crucified my flesh, why should I even have to focus on another,”Best day of my life?” Everyday with which I am blessed can never be repeated, or memories duplicated, so everyday has the potential to be the best day of this life, the life my heavenly Dad has chosen for me at this point in time. Archie is in paradise, I cannot honestly say he is missing a thing, so why do I still carry survivor’s guilt? Through Crucifixion is on the cross, I view the way of “dying flesh/passions/desires” as a giant bonfire. I’m am a very stubborn person. I almost fear I would grab a hammer and try to remove those passions from the cross. Crap. Though it may be difficult to consider my guilt as a passion/desire, as much as I focus on it, there lays the evidence. I’ll work on it: into the flames it goes… .

As for, “Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other” Galatians 5:24-26, I think that will keep for another day.

Until tomorrow: blessings!

One thought on “Add it to the Fire

  1. Wow: happiness as a choice, similar to love… I hadn’t considered that and really need to contemplate the ramifications of that some more, I think. Truly, a lesson I needed today- thank you!!!

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