Middle Child

Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. (Psalm 36:5)

Maybe I should rephrase: Child of God Stuck in the Middle

This is my last week of the second round of Grief Share.  It also happens to be the week of Thanksgiving. I feel like I am in an ugly spot of Grief. From Grief Share I have been given the right to: be who I am, cry and grieve without all the the “step by step” check offs or phases that so many people were trying to share with me when my journey started, but none of them fit/felt right.

It challenges me to do what I know, in my heart, my heavenly Dad wants me to do, even when I feel like I have justifiable reasons not to. It gave me the ok to be in the middle: Some people want me to hurry up and heal,”find a new identity,” quickly. After 27 years of working on a co-identity, please don’t expect 9.5 month later a diamond from beneath the rumble of my world that crashed in. Others want me to hold on to the identity as Archie’s other half forever. That cannot be either, because, no matter how much I’d love it to be, he is not here to complete me. It is impossible for me to live life remaining in that role as it is no longer available.

You throw in extra stressors like the holidays and the emotional melting pot gets even murkier. I deal with not seeing or being with Archie everyday. Some family members only saw him once or twice a year so this holiday is their “first” for missing him. On top of that, we had our own method to our madness when it came to sequence of events for holiday preparations.

-Thanksgiving: sleep in, finish up mac salad and a desert while watching the parade on TV, head to family reunion.

-Black Friday (this is a holiday tradition for us, thank you) Up at midnight or so, stopping for coffee, then going to places that have fun “door buster” giveaways (that has died off in the last couple of years), shop for movies (we don’t have cable TV and maybe go to 1-2 movies a year, so this is the very best time to catch up on what was new over the last year at really good prices), Arch and Taylor would drop me off at work then go back to shopping anywhere and everywhere they felt like it, just spending the day together. This has been for about 10 years.

-The Thanksgiving weekend we’d usually put up the tree (Archie with the tree topper, of course), stockings and begin our Christmas movie marathon.

What are your traditions? I never really thought we had any until I started thinking of all the things I am going to miss. I guess we did.

So0000…how the heck to we do this? I just got the book from Grief Share,”Surviving the Holidays.” So far I’ve read other people have felt the same way I do,”Can’t we just fall asleep and wake up in January.” Bingo.

Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. (Psalm 36:5)

As I begin this week of the holiday season, I am clinging to the one thing that hasn’t changed in the last 9+ months: God’s love and provision/faithfulness in every aspect of Taylor and my life. I am not saying we have gotten everything we thought we need, but since we still have a roof over our heads, food on the table, cars that work (mostly) and jobs to go to, we have an abundance.

In this week of Thanksgiving, I know I’m not going to get it completely right, but I am going to try and focus/be thankful for the good in the midst of my desert journey, this middle spot between moving forward and being stuck in the past.

What about you?

Until tomorrow: Blessings!

 

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