Eight months ago Archie went home.
A month or so ago one of my coworkers asked if I’d like to meet. She’s walked a similar path but is now married. We met in a 50s-esk dinner and ended up holding up the booth for a good two and a half hours. The pie was amazing, I must say, not to mention the company.
Last week she texted me and asked if I’d like to get together again. The next time I saw her we winked,”Yes, we need to get together.” I told her anytime was good for me, she quipped, “How about Wednesday?” Deep breath, without showing it,”Sure.” That was going to be the eighth month anniversary. Not a big deal for some, a huge deal for me but I have no idea why.
When we met she was all smiles. “What’s going? You seemed to be having a really rough week last week.” I was shocked. How did she know? It’s not like we meet for lunch or anything. I thought I was hiding it well but my bandages had slipped.
She explained she saw my “tells,” and everything she said was accurate. I thought I had stayed far enough away from everyone that they could not be seen. I was wrong. She assured me, my tells are not offensive, they were very funny, but she knew something was going on.
One of my latest struggles is being a non-couple. To say I’m single doesn’t recognize how hard I had to fight for my marriage–I almost feel like I am being punished in some way, so I don’t like that term. I’m obviously not married, so where is the happy medium? For the first time I came to grips with the term “widow.”
When I got home I was greeted by my monthly “severely past due…pay in full to avoid further collections,” letter, still not hearing from Archie’s insurance company how much they have decided to pay, though I’ve paid the maximum out of pocket. My oven sits dead, after the heating element decided to melt and create it’s own bonfire over the weekend. Refridg went out two nights before Taylor’s graduation, oven 5 months later. Yeah. Happy anniversary to me.
Midnight came and went.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith Jehovah, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope in your latter end.
This morning I’m still raw. I know God has a plan but when darkness comes, it sucks out the oxygen of life and it feels like all flames of hope are simultaneously extinguished.
One of the yuckiest things about grief is when I have good days, it is a very good day and I feel like I will be able to handle the next valley. When the valleys come, they never seem to be created by a single element. The floor falls out and several things, that I thought were steadfast, fall through the hole at the same time, shaking me to my core.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
This is just another 24 hours on my grief journey. I am not getting “over” anything, but my heavenly Dad is beside me as I am walking through this very painful path. I made it through another day.
Until Monday: Blessings