I made it through.
Last night was the Grief Share that I got up and walked out of the last go round. I could not do it. It was about guilt and anger. I had more than A LOT of anger last time. The guilt thing, not so much. I don’t know how I could have changed anything. They asked if we questioned the circumstances around our loved ones death,”If only I would have: taken them to a different hospital, not let them drive with that person,” and so on. When it came to me, I said since Archie’s cancer is supposedly directly related to stress, I used to wonder if he would have walked away in June when I asked him to, would he still be alive today? They said,”So you wonder if you should have pressed the issue harder?” NO! Not if I wanted to stay married–he was a Cook! :).
Ultimately, I have let that go. The choices made-were made and I cannot change them. The one idea that was comforting but brought a question was:
Job 14:5 “A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.”
So, if our heavenly Dad has a set number of days for us, is there any possibility of a sliding scale? Since He can see the future, would he change the number of days if, say, the person was on a destructive route and our heavenly Dad knew that by taking Him home a little earlier than planned, He was saving them from themselves? Just a thought.
The idea that really hit home was looking at situations through the window of scripture instead of a mirror, the reflection of our past experiences. I needed that. One lady spoke of being so angry with God that she realized she needed to forgive Him. She then looked at the situation through scripture and realized that in order to forgive, God would have to have done something wrong. Ouch! She realized that it was her bitterness and lack of faith, that He was in control, that was Her problem. Once she put her Trust: Faith in Action, back into our heavenly Dad, her relationship with Him could heal and so could she.
The most difficult point made was that we have to forgive others because God forgave us and we did nothing to deserve that forgiveness.
Matthew 6:15 “But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Again with the “Ouch.”
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. When you have a heart transplant, the scar from the wound where they opened your chest will remain for life. It’s kind of up to you if you want to walk around without a shirt on, showcasing that scar, tattooing a frame around it, bringing it up in every conversation, or even just thinking about it nonstop. Or…you can let it heal, knowing that it is there and you will have to see it for the rest of your life, because there is nothing you can do to change that. You move forward: put the shirt back on and take a step.
Does that make sense?
There was also the gentleman who’s wife died of malpractice. They covered that forgiving means moving forward with the right intentions, not to punish the doctors necessarily, but to protect others from them.
Ultimately, we are commanded to forgive but are promised:
Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”
God can get ’em better than any one person ever could, so don’t worry about it and take our next step forward.
I don’t know if this was helpful for you, but gosh darn it, I needed that!
Until tomorrow: Blessings!