Restless. That’s a descriptive word that could technically mean two very different things.
I have been restless, unable to attain the state of being rested, well over eight months. When Archie was diagnosed and we were walking through cancer, he was in intense pain. He decided he wanted to try to go 4-6 hours one night without the additional pain meds (he was wearing a heavy duty pain patch) to try and actually sleep for half of a night. WHOA! We NEVER did that again. The pain got ahead of him and it took a good half a day to get on the other side. No rest for the weary.
When describing an antsy child, we say they are “restless,” being unable to rest, but that is because they have so much pent up energy. I am in a mid-state, between the two.
One morning, lately, for the first time since February, I was sound asleep when the alarm went off. That does not happen. Normally I am awake 30 minutes prior to the BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, even during new release week when going into work at 5:15 am. I usually just lay there, tired, as the eluding sleep is running circles around my bed, mocking me.
A night of sleep?!?!? I was not sure what to make of it. I am chalking it up to maybe/hopefully the healing process. I have hope that even if I don’t sleep long hours(that would be over 8) over the next few nights, eventually I will again. That is the hope. That brings me to my restlessness:
The energy I have is, I’ll admit, caused from impatience. I feel like I am waiting and I don’t know what I am waiting for. It used to be for Archie to come home, but it has finally sunk in that that is never going to happen, painful realization as it was. Taylor and I do have one weekend together planned out for the next three months, so that should be something to look forward to, right? Now I am waiting for the eye news and if that will affect those plans. How do I find rest until that, whatever it is, happens?
Psalm 61:1 “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.”
The meaning of refuge, according to Websters: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble.
Sounds like rest to me, what do you think? I then began to think of how I rest, as everyone rests differently, technically I do to, depending on what is going on in my life. If I have a lot on my mind and I need to actively rest, to burn off frustration. My favorite is, as you know, pulling weeds. That is immediate gratification: you create beauty out of chaos (don’t look at my driveway or yard because I haven’t needed that kind of rest for a while now).
When life is full of uncertainty my rest is quietness in scenery, closing my eyes and listening to sounds of what is going on around me: the wind, pups barking. water trickling, purr of engines as cars are in the distance, leaves rustling. In my darkness I feel what I can feel without opening my eyes: the breeze on my skin, the warmth of the sun, drops of rain, the density of what I am sitting on, the texture of whatever my hand is resting on (rough denim from jeans, the sharp points of Archie’s headstone if I am visiting him). That kind of rest I am 100% in the moment, every moment.
Puts sight in perspective, doesn’t it?
Are you feeling restless? What do you think is the root of your restlessness, whichever it is? What do you do to find rest and peace?
I’d love to hear from you.
Until tomorrow: Blessings!