Living Dead

Sunday morning started out like most other Sundays: up, pups, coffee, get ready, bagels, Taylor comes out and we head to church together.

We should have grabbed our box of Kleenex… .

Taylor and I talked about what service we were going to last night. I was sharing that I was really excited to go. “Why?” was her response. This week in my time with my Heavenly Dad He talked about face to face time. How important it was for our relationships with our kids, spouses, people at work, interviews, and so on, to communicate face to face. It’s relationship building to look into someone’s eyes, see the expressions on their faces, and reflect back to them their excitement, pain, and emotion. The church feels like the skin and heart of my Heavenly Dad, so when I am there I sense more of His presence, if that makes any sense. It probably doesn’t because I am not plugged in anywhere, not for lack of trying. I just don’t know where I’m suppose to be. I compare it to having a kid but then not knowing what to do with them. You love them, they eat together as family, but until they get a bed and a chore of which to take ownership, they feel more like a guest.

We went to church and Pastor Dave was talking about living dead.

Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters–yes, even their own life–such a person cannot be my disciple.”

He said this was Jesus’ exaggeration/sense of humor, no different than when we say,”This suitcase weighs a ton!” “I’m older than dirt,” and so on. He then proceeded to pull out pictures of his grandkids, wallet, and keys and lay them on the alter. They are not suppose to come between he and his relationship with our Heavenly Dad. Then he said it got even trickier. Out came his wife, Kristy, and himself (all of his personal likes and interests). These were also not to come between he and the Savior.

Do you know what it’s like when our Heavenly Dad has a message for you and when you hear it, it kinda feels like butterflies in your stomach, or maybe an empty pang? Bingo.

I did not know where he was going with it, I just knew it was for me.¬†Taylor and I have been speaking often about what our dreams look like now compared to what they were before February. Living dead is an exact description of how I feel. Now that Archie is “home” waiting for us, we speak honestly and openly about what life would be like if either one of us is called “home.” It’s not that it would be easy, but we can safely say, we’re mentally better prepared. When we talk about the future, it’s hard to have dreams if you don’t really want anything but to have things not break down and be able to pay your bills. Everything else is just bonus.

The nice thing, Pastor Dave said. was that God allows us to wallow in the thought process for a little while. He said when he finally had to die to self in college, it actually took him around three months to come to terms with his new reality. He said it’s ok if you don’t have a definite answer know. We will “know.” He said it’s not something he expected us to dedicate ourselves to after 37 minutes of him preaching. God want us/asks us to count the cost be fore we commit. We need to know where we’ve come from to understand where we are going.

My face leaked. Taylor’s face leaked.

This morning in my quiet time God gave me this song. What I like (which sounds stupid) but she is singing to the Lord and then it’s almost like she’s screaming out of pain,”I will only sing your praise!” God doesn’t strike her down with lightning. When¬†she has nothing left, she is calling out from her depths, dying to self or living dead…she will still praise Him.

Until tomorrow: Blessings

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