What are your mornings like? I go to bed late, hopefully late enough to fall a sleep within about 20 minutes, but it’s extremely rare when/if I don’t wake up before the alarm clock, 5.5-6 hrs later. I get myself ready, make coffee (of course 🙂 ) and the first thing on my agenda is to shut up and listen to what my Heavenly Dad has to say. The “shut up” is because, like any child, I have a tendency to anticipate what He’s going to say and I try to come up with an educated answer BEFORE the question is asked.
I need to shut up.
Stubborn pride was on the breakfast plate this morning, right next to the bagel. As I am writing this, I am sitting in a hotel room gearing up for a day of classes in Schaumburg, IL. It’s Saturday and we have a full schedule, 5 classes, then tear down and heading home. Midnight would be a nice goal to roll into bed, but currently its’s 6:45 am and my Heavenly Dad has a lot of people for me to meet today. My prayer is that His love shines through me, I honor Heartfelt, and I don’t stand in the way of either.
Stubborn pride, according to “Dad,” is the air we give off as if we have everything under control, when we really don’t. It’s refusing help, knowing we will either fail, injure ourselves or our relationships, for fear of embarrassment or looking weak. It’s also not working well with others, not willing to compromise, you know: “my way or the high way.”
Wow. I can identify with that. It’s difficult going from a unit of two, half being 6’2″ and the other (now) 5’1″ (hopefully-I keep shrinking). We lifted, fixed things, traveled, technically did everything together. Now I can only accomplish half of everything.
Even sitting in this hotel room, I think about how last night I had an evening in Chicago. The last time Arch and I traveled we ended up in Chicago and got to walk the city for just an hour. His back couldn’t take anymore. This time I had an evening, all to myself. The hotel room was nice. That’s all I saw. I didn’t desire to see anymore. That wasn’t my selfish pride, that’s just part of the new journey.
The selfish pride comes into all of the half finished projects that I cannot complete by myself. I have not said anything because I want everything to be ok, I want to move forward, I don’t want to know that I am not complete anymore. That is selfish pride, but then there is God.
Coming out of church a couple of weeks ago as Taylor and I were going into church, we stopped to chat with the gentleman who is fixing Archie’s baby, and his wife. She told us her Sunday School/small church reaches out to people who need help and she would like to mention us, please give her a list. I thanked her as we parted ways.
That entire week I battled with myself if I really needed to ask for help, looking around my house. I came to grips at the end of the week that I really don’t have it in me, size wise or otherwise, to complete what needs to be done. I messaged her.
As I sit here, embracing my new reality, for what other choice do I have, I am grateful that He puts people in my path, that care enough to ask and keep me accountable for the holes that are left. I am grateful for the opportunities to fill the voids at home with something I love so very much, teaching, crafting, and traveling. Most of all I am grateful that my Heavenly Dad has given me an “out” for my stubborn pride.
Some battles and wars involve countries and the emptiness and despair that can can be seen. Others are raging inside of me: fear, purpose, stubborn pride, emptiness. The Prince of Peace comes knocking, as He holds my heart. I know He is God. His love is surrounding me by the people in my life who stay close enough to ask the difficult questions. The battles will eventually be won. I will trust in Him.
In my quiet time with Him, He allowed me this song.
Until tomorrow: Blessings!