Whatever Happens…

It’s a funk day. Those happen on this journey… .

Kinda weird. You’d think funk days would have happened more at the beginning of the journey, but they are coming more consistently now. I’ve heard of other widows say that after a few months people do one of two things: stop checking in and think you’ve moved on or judge you that you’ve moved forward too soon–how dare you–even though they don’t check in either. Darned if you do, darned if you don’t, darned, darned, darned, darned.

No one knows what goes on behind these walls. I blog one thought a day and people think that’s some sort of an insight into my life. How many thoughts do you have in one day? Is it more than one or two? If you share them with anyone, congratulations, that person is now the judge and jury of your life. The one who “knows it all,” and judges your progress, or lack there of.

I just want to be me. Actually let me break it down into what I really want:

I want people to check in and lend a hand, because I’m missing two, not because they feel guilty or sorry for me but because they genuinely care.

I want people to stop standing a far off, judging my every facial expression like it’s an emotion. I am not┬ásome text book that has numbered pages and chronological chapters. I guarantee you cannot have insight and make judgments from what could be gas bubbles! You don’t actually take the time to speak with me, that’s too uncomfortable–for you.

I need you to know that makes me feel like I have the plague.

I want people to stop lowering their voices when they ask “how are you doing,” as if I am about to break down in tears all the time. If you have to ask me that question, I’m am not comfortable enough around you to cry, so don’t worry about it.

I want you to ask uplifting questions like,”What are you up to?” Instead of dwelling on the life that I lost, help by encouraging my future.

Actually PRAY for me, don’t just say the words.

Want me to move forward and help light my path by keeping me accountable for visible progress. If you see me slipping backward, step behind me and whisper,”You’re doing great! Take another step. Don’t stop now. You’ve got this!” I would love to do that for you, in return.

Generally I talk through how my heavenly Dad gets me out of this funk, but today I am feeling extra alone, so instead of opening myself up for further judgment, I’m going to keep it between Him and me.

I love this blog and writing the thoughts my heavenly Dad shares with me. It appears, however, like this is being viewed as a┬áreplacement for people making personal contact with me. Since I am not an island dweller–well I am but I need guests/friends, He maybe closing this door. If the door closes it will be yet another loss.

What ever happens, I will trust in Him:

 

 

3 thoughts on “Whatever Happens…

  1. If I didn’t live hours away; I would try to see you daily! You & Taylor mean more to me,than you know. I do pray for y’all everyday. Hope it’s returned.

  2. Prayers daily for you and your family. This blog, these words , your daily thoughts that you share are more than most know. As my Mom used to say cannot please all the people all the time. You must do what pleases you, and God will lead you as he has been.. Many prayers and blessings

  3. Excellent insight Tracy. I remember a dear friend & pastor of mine, who lost his family in car accident, telling me the dumbest things said to him were said by other pastors. People have no idea how to speak to someone who is grieving, yet they want to offer answers. Answers they couldn’t possibly have. I remember him saying. “If one more person tells me the Lord needed my family more than I did, I’m going to punch them”. Speaking for those who aren’t able to see you on a regular basis, your blogs are helpful for me to know how to pray for you. They also have ministered to me. There’s more scriptural application in your blogs than in most sermons I’ve heard recently. I suppose the most important reason for you to blog, is for your own benefit. Whatever you decide to do, I’ll understand.

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