Have you ever set out to do something, gave it all you had to give, failed miserably, then found out you shot yourself in the foot before you even got started? Welcome to my world.
Archie and my plan since September was to clean out the deep freezer, knowing that the bottom of the freezer hadn’t been touched in years. Don’t judge, you probably have stuff in your freezer that predates mine!
Anywho, Arch went home when only half was done, then we technically reloaded for Taylor’s graduation. After graduation, it’s back to cleaning out the freezer. Taylor and I decided, since it was at the half way point to clean it out, all the way to the bottom. We found ham dating back to 2013. Wow…I’m not saying a lot, but still, 3 years ago? That’s a little ridiculous. But, that’s one part of the “Dani Johnson” plan Archie liked: clean out your freezer, because you really don’t know what you have in there, nor will you use it. Bingo!
So we got all the food out and I unplugged it. I started chipping away the ice crystals then just decided to let it melt a bit on it’s own, leaving the freezer open. I came back later and it was still frozen. hmmm. Checked to make sure the cord I unplugged ran into the freezer…yep, so I stuck the bucket of warm water in there to help it thaw a tad quicker.
30 min later and the ice barely moved. What the heck? More hot water and chipping. Then I noticed the outside of the freezer was beginning to feel warm. That’s odd. Long story short (too late) there was a second cord that went UNDER the freezer that I thought went INTO the freezer, so I was attempting to clean out a freezer that was still plugged in. No, this is not the first time I’ve cleaned out the freezer, but it is the first time I did it while fighting against it.
Hmmmm…what other areas of my life do I THINK I am cleaning out, but in reality I am just wiping off the surface dirt but not disconnecting the actual cause?
I shared with you about needing to connect with others. Am I disconnecting from myself? I can come up with 12 billion reason why NOT to go to church or get involved in…anything. The best justification for me: “I am already tired, if I get involved in something else I will probably burn out of everything.” Or…begin healing. Wow, again, not choosing to do the next right thing by disconnecting the negative (me/fear/anxiety) and plugging into something selfless that could breath new life.
What about the “establishing a new/individual identity” they spoke of in Grief Share? How’s that working for me? Work–very well, thank you. Home…really, we don’t need to go there, do we? We can talk about that later.
Actually, Taylor and I were really talking the nitty gritty about distinguishing our passion for something and our passion to see Archie light up over something. It’s really hard as the lines are so gosh darn blurry. Again, if we don’t talk about it and continue doing what we’ve always done so we don’t have to figure out who we are, we are surface cleaning our lives. We are still connected to the idea of pleasing Archie and watching him smile, but that isn’t ever going to happen again. Tears.
Obviously, finding the right cord to unplug wasn’t the easiest. I failed the first and second time. So the priority should be finding the right cord to disconnect before I start the cleaning, right?
How does that apply to anything?
Gal 2:20″I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
If I stop worrying about what to UNPLUG, but completely PLUG INTO my heavenly Dad, He will unplug whatever he sees is holding me back or keeping me frozen in place. If I live having faith that whatever he unplugs is going to be the right decision, then technically, I don’t really have to lift a finger. Had I unplugged the right cord the first time, all of the dirt and ice would have fallen to the bottom and then a quick “whoosh” of sudsy water and wha-la, done! Next time, things will be different…in more ways than one.
Another day, another lesson…for me 😉 Blessings!