The last two mornings I have awaken with songs playing in my head: https://youtu.be/AAMU68NTVQw and https://youtu.be/xXKG-ooExGs both I have posted previously. Two day in a row makes me stop, take a step back, and open my heart to get the message my heavenly Dad is trying to get across.
The first day’s song was about grace: a gift we don’t deserve or cannot earn. The second is about loyal love but the very first line of the song is,” I could never earn Your heart.”
So, with these two songs echoing, I reflect: where am I trying to gain acceptance? Home? Church? Work? My relationship with God? Where am I feeling like I am “doing and doing” and trying to earn something? What do I want or need that I feel like I am lacking?
Time to think about that one for a while. See you after work.
The sky was crystal clear, showcasing it’s Carolina Blue hue. I crawled into the truck and a song I had never paid attention to caught my ear. The lyrics grabbed my attention: You can quiet the voices but you can’t stop the song, Where the spirit is moving, God’s Will will be done, you can bury the workman but the work will go on… .
So, it kinda grossed me out thinking about coal minors being buried alive but the working needing to be done was still there. BUT WAIT! It’s like God zapped me or something! DUH, Tracy. You can bury the workman…that would be Archie, right? …but the work will go on.
I definitely inherited his half of the work around the house, some I am still trying to figure out. Trim–I’ve been putting it off. I need to get to that…guilt. Hold on: I think the message is deeper than that.
Ok, let’s take off the mind of Tracy that you all know flies from one idea to the next, as Arch was my focus-er. Is that even a word? Digressing…again! So, since my heaven Dad says,
Romans 8:6 “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.”
I need to corral my thoughts and focus on what God is repeating to me in the music/message. No music was playing when I woke up, but that didn’t stop the songs from playing in my mind. I have to laugh that when I thought I took a break from my thought process, God reiterated that the message has not yet been gotten, so it’s going to continue to play through my head until I “get it.”
Coming clean: the area that I struggle with most is: still being here. I feel like I have to work hard at everything and anything because I don’t understand why I am still here and Archie is not.
Archie was awesome. He had a friendly spirit, and could retain more information than most would consider humanly possible. We joked that he was the encyclopedia of useless knowledge. He was big, strong and the protector of the family. He provided for our family and strove to be like Christ. Ok, so this last year or two…he was not himself in some of those areas. A couple of horrible years out of 28 years together, isn’t so bad!
So when I hear songs about earning God’s love or the grace He has given me, in my mind I beg,”why not Archie instead of me?” HE earned it! He worked hard for it! He Deserved it!
Honestly: there is no answer that will comfort me. I really don’t want to know why…I just wish it were me instead. Again, I don’t have a death wish. I just wish God would have asked which one He should have taken. I think I would have tripped Arch to make sure I got there first.
But my heavenly Dad didn’t ask.
So what do you do when you continue to feel like you don’t deserve to be here or at least you wish you could have traded spots with the loved one that’s gone? I pondered that a lot today. Since my heavenly Dad started this whole thing with songs that couldn’t be stopped, he answered with one, too:
My heavenly Dad wants me to use whatever He has given me and use it to let His light shine. It’s not for me to be dwell on anything what woulda-coulda-shoulda-been, in my humble opinion, but use the passion I have for His love and provision, which is but a flicker in my very broken spirit, and trust that He will turn it into a raging fire that will draw others closer to Him–if I just get out of His way.
Nobody said this journey was going to be easy. I think I’ve gotten past something, then God rips the closet door open and says,”You’re just hiding this feeling. You haven’t really dealt with it…by giving it to me. I can’t really use you until you start by being honest with yourself.” Ouch.
And the journey continues. Thanks for keeping me company.