Two days and counting. Father’s Day. Yesterday I wrote of making plans to lean into the grief. I have failed miserably up til now, so this time I’m on a mission.
The Father’s Day/celebration of Archie for Taylor was suppose to sorta begin today. I did say sorta, right?
Anyone that knows Archie and me, or at least has read this blog, knows that Arch and I took dance lessons a couple of times. He’d lead, I’d follow, and I was perfectly content with that. What do you do when the leader is no longer there? You listen to your daughter ;).
Taylor went to CA with her bff-fff-fffff and they’ve been hanging out a lot ever since. She came home one day and was talking about how her bff’s sister’s friend (was that long enough?) was going to start giving them dance lessons. It was just for fun and would only cost $5 per week. Neither girl has ever had dance lessons, but I’ve seen snip-its of their dance parties and they can both rock it.
I asked,”Ok, stupid question, and feel completely free to say no. I wouldn’t ever want you to feel uncomfortable. Are you ready?” She looked at me like, “Oh, crap, what the heck is coming next?” I proceeded with,”Any chance mom’s would be invited to the dance class?” Her face relaxed and she said she didn’t know, but she’d check. The next day was basically,”You’re in, mom.” Tonight was to be our first night, but the power was out in the building, so it was cancelled. Poo.
On top of that her car is at the shop and she got the call that it’s going to cost A LOT, and when she jumped in the van to meet me after work…the van was dead. I think “planning” and “going according to plan” are two completely different subjects that should have been taught on different nights at Grief Share. Don’t you agree?
I came home, jumped the van, and we went for a free pretzel at Ben’s Pretzel’s–supper. She had the gift card I found in one of the cards she had given her dad, because he loved DD, so we had our free Duncan Donuts coffee, from Archie.
So what do these two things have to do with anything?
Archie and I love to dance together. He danced alone before he meet me but I never danced. I grew to love to dance, but now I have no one to dance with. Life does not stop and I cannot stop being who I am. I have to figure out how to do the things I love to do only in the singular context: learn to dance alone. That is part of the grief thing: no matter how much I “wish” it were different, it’s not, and I have to move forward. Archie would be happy for me, that I know.
The crap that happened with the car: crap happens all the time. Taylor was really down about her car and spoke about it from the time we left home to the pretzel place. Her feelings are valid, this situation stinks. On the other hand, if we were in a car accident on the way home and I was killed, would she be happy knowing that the entire last conversation we had was a lamenting about a broken car? In 5-10 years she probably won’t even remember, “What car?”
So my plans are not quite going according to plan. We still made the best of it, did a “self check” with our attitudes and ended up having a really nice evening together. On top of that, we still have three more days of plans to watch and see if any of them even remotely pan out for our “schedule of events.” If they do, TERRIFIC! If they don’t, I hope we just enjoy our time together without any regrets.
My prayer or wish?
Psalms 20:4 “May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.”
But I’m going to hold onto those plans loosely. There maybe some things in the agenda that we don’t realize will cause more tears than what we need, so our Heavenly Dad may take them off schedule and so on.
We understand, trust, and know that He is in control and He knows us better than we know ourselves. We’ll tread lightly and be prepared to move/change when He sees fit.
Happy Father’s Day everyone! Until Monday…many blessings to you all.