Warning: it’s a weekend and my brain doesn’t do weekends. It’s flighty and unsure, still trying to figure out gaps of time and emptiness.
Quiet: it’s hard to switch gears when you’re in a rut. Taylor was gone for most of the weekend. When she came home she spoke a mile a minute but I had a hard time reflecting her excitement. “Silence” has been visiting and when sound enters, “Silence” is unsure what to do with itself and “Unfocused” emerges. I feel badly about that.
I’m happy for her, I just don’t seem to be able to focus/concentrate on her adventures. I am on the other side of the glass wall. I feel like I am there more often now…watching everyone else. She showed me video snip-its of their fun. I smile. I then move on to the “next thing.”
I think I’m broken.
I have so many partial projects that need to be completed. I run from one to another but something invariably arises, halts my progress, and I move on to another without completing the previous. Ugh. It’s go, stop, go, stop.
Four months of this…an eternity, yet it was just yesterday…how is this suppose to work? Tears trickle. This is not who I am…or is it was?
In Grief Share we learned about doing the next right thing, making lists, asking for help, laying lists aside when good things come, getting rest, allowing time for grief. Truth: it sounds great but is really difficult living out.
Have you ever wondered what it was like inside someone else’s head. Congratulations, you’ve just entered mine:
When grief hits, all the good jumps into the back seat. You want to be happy for someone, and you are, and then you realize that in your other life you’d be sharing your happiness with someone else. Now you don’t know what to do with that, so in your mind you are standing there with arms loaded with the happiness to be shared, but now it has no place to go. It gets heavy. The happiness starts to hurt physically, your back is aching, arms fatigued, neck straining. You want to do something with it, but don’t know where to even begin. You stand, afflicted, as everyone else appears happy. You then feel guilty about having those feelings.
And then Monday comes… . More bills for someone who isn’t here. Months of full time work they say is due for, again, someone who isn’t here. More “ineligibles,” “out of networks,” this is life… . I’m tired. Four months of statements, explanations of benefits, invoice dues, kindly reminders, last notices, calls to the hospital, calls to dr offices…oh, so tired. I guess I know what I’m doing for break tomorrow…again. More calls, more e-mails. S0, so, tired. As if the cancer and loosing my best friend wasn’t bad enough…let’s just punish me more.
Wow…that’s what you call an extreme pity party, and I forgot the streamers. Woe is me.
Do you know where that phrase came from?
Job 10:15: “If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction;”
Job lost all of his children, all of his live stock (his job), his servants, his best friends accused him of sinning and his wife told him to curse God and die. Somehow, in comparison, my life is bliss, not that it feels like it.
Do you have any idea how freakn’ easy it would be to dwell on all the crap/stinky stuff that is going on in my life? How easy would it be to focus on all the stinky stuff/crap going on in YOUR life? Do you ever say, “Woe is me?” Now you know I do/did. Did it change my circumstance? No? Than I guess I better change me… .
Digging deep, so I’m rolling up my proverbial sleeves:
Job 10:20-22 When Job heard this, he tore his clothes and shaved his head because of his great sorrow. He knelt on the ground, then worshiped God 21 and said:
“We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death.
The Lord alone gives and takes. Praise the name of the Lord!”
22 In spite of everything, Job did not sin or accuse God of doing wrong.
What I get out of this (don’t judge me) is that Job didn’t take this lying down. He reacted. He didn’t sin, but he reacted.
Did you know Jesus got angry? Mark 3:5a “5 And he looked around at them with anger”. Cool, huh? Jesus actually felt what I feel…anger and disappointment.
Jesus also said in Ephesians 4:26 “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
It’s ok to be mad. It’s NOT ok to take it out on anybody else, even if they deserve it. Poo. I’m still working on that. Thankfully, I have a couple of awesome examples in the Bible that have felt what I’ve felt…and chosen not to sin. Crap.
I’ll admit, I failed (again) and had to grovel big time just this week, asking forgiveness for my cruddy attitude and apologizing for my unmet expectations, that, frankly, I had no business having to begin with. Last I checked, I’m not God, so people aren’t suppose to please me.
So, now you’ve been on my roller coaster ride with me…and survived. I did too, only mine will come again (I’ll try not to drag you along next time 😉 ).
This is not the way everyone grieves for everyone’s grief is as unique as the individual. I am just…me trying to figure out me, using the map my heavenly Dad placed before me. My navigator that was, is no more, because he is basking in the glory of the Creator of all. I am happy for him.
As for my next step of my journey: James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
I think I’ll start by…asking. Sounds simple enough, don’t you think?
Until tomorrow, blessings.