This weekend was my birthday. One of the many “firsts” I have to get through, they say. I don’t know…last year was pretty sucky.
I’m not going into great detail, it just involved duties encompassing time and the person having the birthday walking then siting at the bus stop because no one picked them up. Let’s just say, not a good day.
Promises were made that it would never happen on my birthday again. His promise came true… .
He did surprise me with roses earlier in the week, and I told everyone at Heartfelt it was the,”best looking delivery man EVER,” because he stopped them over himself, on the way to a customer during lunch. That’s what I am trying to focus on.
So now this birthday: Tom and Jolene offered to spend most of the weekend with me and my stepdad and his lovely wife wanted to take me out on the actual day of my birth. I informed them both I needed to be alone. I needed to figure out how to deal with the pain/memories of last year as that was the last year we were together.
Even though it was a crappy, crappy, year, I still miss Archie every moment of every day. I didn’t want to try and make a memory this year that can’t be repeated next year and then remember it as,”You, know, the year Arch died.” yuck.
Friday night two of the ladies from Grief Share took me out to dinner. They let me choose the restaurant and anyone who knows me knows I picked Chinese (introduced to me by my Aunt Deanna and Uncle Andy). That was the first take out food Archie ever got me because he found out that it was my favorite. He didn’t have a clue what anything was, so he asked his sister, Sandi, to help him figure out what to get. If I remember correctly, it was egg drop soup and sweet and sour chicken, eating at his parent’s house. Oh….what a memory. That was the first time, I think, he attempted chop sticks. He wasn’t impressed.
I then planned an entire weekend of jamifying. I figured if I just get through the weekend, I can say I survived it, right? It didn’t quite work out that way.
The fury kids decided they needed me up at 6 am on Sat. Whether your kids are human or fury, you have no choice when it comes to sleeping in. When they are up, so are you. Poo.
I attempted to go back to bed, but after an hour I thought of all of the “have too’s” that I needed to get done, so I rolled out of bed. At least I COULD get out of bed. This week has been the worst since Archie went home. Monday I awoke to a pain level of about 7 out of 10 and I have no idea why. I crawled out of bed, took Aleve, then crawled back in for half an hr for it to kick in. Tuesday the pain was at an 8 and I couldn’t even get out of bed. I laid there for an extra hour, then forced myself into the shower. That helped and I got to work, on time, instead of going in early, as planned. I then got smart and for the rest of the week took Aleve (12 hr) before I went to bed to offset any morning body pain. Live and learn.
Last night no Aleve, this morning, no pain. Hopefully I’m on the amends, whatever the issue.
I got ready and headed out the door. I realized that it was almost 9:30 and except for a few commands to the pups, no words had been spoken in my house. I became aware that if I didn’t have errands to run, there would be no sentences spoken in my house, for an entire weekend. Wow. That was a crazy thought. Taylor and I text. She called me once this week during my lunch, but she doesn’t always have “bars,” so contact is sporadic, at best. That’s good, though, because I need her to be “in the moment” and not think/dwell/wonder about what is happening with me. I don’t want her to miss a thing.
Anyway, I did do one thing totally not like me, but necessary. Another thing I am learning: I have built my life as a two-some. That’s fine, except that all calculations were built on the other half of me being a foot taller and weighing 100 lbs more. That is a problem. I wanted to go kayaking this weekend by myself. Archie’s kayak is a sit-on-top but too big for me to carry by myself. Taylor and mine are also normally carried by two. We would transport them one in the front, one in the back, a kayak in each hand, one on the left, the other on the right. Crap. Now I feel like I can’t even do that. Wal-mart to the rescue.
Wal-mart had a sm., 8 ft, sit-on-top kayak for half of what we paid. I took all the birthday money people gave me, added a smidge and bought a “Tracy-sized” kayak. It’s still in the van, because it was only around 40 degrees out., but hopefully tomorrow… . I had a really hard time justifying this expenditure, but I can sell my other, larger kayak, to off-set the purchase. Ultimately, I still have to be me…and that is going to come at a price to make my life “Tracy-sized,” when for the last 27 years my life was tandem. The size and weight of equipment I used didn’t matter. Who knew? This figuring out life and how EVERYTHING has changed really sucks.
Off to the bank, where I realized that the the check the hospital had issued for an over-payment (yeah! insurance reimbursed some) was made out to Archie…who can’t sign it, and I’m the one who paid the bill, anyway. errrr. If they are issuing the check to him, shouldn’t that mean that HE’S the one paying them?!?!?!? But since he can’t, shouldn’t it figure that there shouldn’t be anymore bills? That’s not the way it works so: Yet another hurdle. I need a nap, life is exhausting. NO!
How about a walk around a farmer’s market across the street? Mmmmm, the smell of fresh bread and coffee. I love the idea of buying fresh basil and oregano to grow and use when cooking…but currently I don’t cook…so…it’s a good thought. As I walk around I notice all of the people conversing and I realize, again, no one knows where I am or will. How weird is that? I know there are plenty of people all over the world in my same shoes, but the epiphanies occur randomly. For 27 years, someone has always cared and wanted to be with me, but it’s a new day. A few tears, but acceptance.
Off to Sams Club. Three items, a few samples, and heading for Starbucks for my free birthday coffee. A little weird by myself, but, it’s coffee. The problem is, I need a smart phone or a registered coffee card to claim my cup….my phone is a stupid phone and after we register a card and it is loaded on TAYLOR’S phone, we pitch the card. Have I mentioned lately that she’s in CA? Yeah. Using her phone? Not going to happen.
I get up to the register, explain the situation, show them the e-mail that I TRULY do quality and…she gives me a free cup of coffee! YEAH!!! A blonde black coffee with a shot of peppermint. Yes, Archie always said I was a cheap date.
Not only that, Taylor texts me and I have the awesome opportunity to tell her that Rich, the gentleman that put the roof on our house two years ago came to look at the chimney yesterday because of the birds that keep getting into the fireplace. Not only did he climb up on the roof while I was at work, he put screen around the cap so the birds can’t come in anymore!!! When he called and told me last night I was so overjoyed I told him it was worth whatever it cost and I was about to give up my right arm when he said…it wasn’t going to cost me a thing…I was shocked. He said he had extra screen and he didn’t have a lot into it so…no charge. I was and am humbled. Someday I hope I can repay his kindness.
Then with coffee in hand and telling Taylor about my rescue, I feel empowered!
Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
At this point of my day…I feel hope. I feel like my heavenly Dad battled some pretty big Goliaths using, Rich, an understanding bank, and an open minded barista. So much so I do the unthinkable…at least to me… .
“See” you tomorrow.