Flashbacks. I did not know that was the description the world has placed on the thing I struggle with the most. Now I know.
This is going to be short and sweet today. Taylor and I have an agenda. Technically, this was an Archie and my event, but Taylor is excited about standing in the gap. I’ll explain later… .
Last night at Grief Share they focused on Flashbacks. When they first said the word, I was like,”Sounds like an addict,” until they described verbatim my most difficult struggle.
Archie’s last month was very traumatic. The flashbacks I experience are from the side effects of the cancer and chemo. He was so ill, it’s hard to tell from which they occurred. His constant nausea, but that was his body’s coping mechanism for pain, so I cannot say it was the chemo, as his pain was off the charts.
Showering, nightmares right there. He could no longer stand for showers. We were blessed by a co-worker at Heartfelt with a shower chair. He needed HOT HOT showers or his lips turned blue and his teeth chattered so badly I was afraid he’d chip a tooth. Too much steam and he couldn’t breath because his lungs were full of cancer. Flashback.
His inability to sit up in bed, even to brush his teeth, that haunts me. His acute quietness, inability to carry on a conversation, because he was concentrating on not vomiting or just trying to make it through this moment of pain, hoping the next would be less intense.
Flashbacks flood over when I least expect them causing instant tears. That’s why I love work. My mind stays busy, very little room for flashbacks. They are painful and last too long.
Grief Share said to concentrate on something in the room. Look for something moving. Take a drink. Take a bite of something. Stop and listen to your breathing.
I tried it. It works.
Isaiah 40:29 “29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”
Grief Share can’t heal me, but are helping me build muscle. Through them/God I am feeling more equipped for this stinky journey I am on. Maybe my new “tool” will help someone else. Maybe you.