What a day…I’m so glad it’s over. Grief Share said in week one to go to the doctor. Taylor was very obedient and went in early March. Ok, so I made that sound much better than it was.
The cancer center said Archie was suppose to try and walk, even very slowly, when and if he could. Since our house is pretty small with just a narrow hallway, we tried to make it as easy as possible for him. A little 16 century Francis Bacon,”If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain,” thus we moved the treadmill out of the garage and into the middle of the living room–ANYTHING we could do for Archie, we did. In so doing, Taylor tweeked her back…badly…but refused to go to the doctor. I reminded her that her dad’s illness began with a backache and if anything happened to her…how much that would hurt me. She loves me, so she went to the dr.
Today was my turn. I hate going to the doctor. I lived at the hospital or doctor’s offices for 19 out of the 30 days on the cancer journey…and then that journey was over. We have wonderful doctor’s and Dr. S. is part of our family. But still…new insurance technically our new “self-pay” program, having to face more “I’m so sorry’s”, and the dreaded questions of,”Are you feeling sad? Do you consider yourself depressed?” My response was,”No more than the day my husband died.” The eye contact stops. Go figure.
I know the nurses are just doing their job and I appreciate them immensely. I’m not snotty or short, just factual until the,”I’m so sorry’s” start. Then my eyes leak, because I’m sorry too, but that doesn’t change anything. I thank them for their kindness and wipe my tears.
Today was Dr. Lisa. We go to the same church, but not the same SS class. Actually,I haven’t been to SS since summer. Archie’s back couldn’t take sitting through SS then church. He gave it all at work, so for Sundays, he tried to take it easy to prepare for the upcoming week. Since he went home I feel…displaced. I have to figure out where I fit in as our SS class was for married couples. That doesn’t apply to me anymore.
She said her SS class is praying for me–HARD–and I needed to know that. I was sooo incredibly grateful to hear those words. “I’m praying for you.” That’s like saying, “I’ve taken your court case to the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court,” only with more power and authority. God is hearing cries for healing, not just from me, but others too, like Joanne, Dee, and Tammy who comment on this blog. Thank you.
Dr. Lisa said the only thing that’s going to make me feel better…is time. That sucks. She also shared Mark Lowry’s favorite verse (even tho I should say favorite ‘part’):
“And it came to pass…” Yep, that’s it. He’s such a wise man because what ever the “it” is in your life didn’t come to STAY. He said if it doesn’t pass, you will, so it WILL pass. If you want a giggle from the 80’s–especially the fashion, check out the link. WARNING it is about 8 minutes long and does have a very 80’s song–WARNING, WARNING.
What I want to pass is the tears in the memories, the feelings of being displaced, the medical bills that are still arriving, and the ache of all the dreams that will never come true. I cannot wait until those all will pass.
As Archie used to tell Taylor,”To bed, to bed, said Sleepy Head. Let’s tarry awhile said Slow. Put on the pot, said Greedy Gut. Let’s sup before we go.”