So last night we talked about grief and relationships, not exactly the most fun of conversations. They described our feelings best by saying they are,”frayed”. Perfect.
Nut shell of the night, here we go:
-all family members grieve differently
-no one is going to understand exactly how we feel, we need to know that.
-even if we would rather have a relationship with the sofa over people, DON’T isolate ourselves
Some people hope they don’t run into us because they don’t know what to say. Other people will say things totally inappropriate and hurtful (those we need to forgive because we will likely be in their shoes at one time or another). If we had “couple” friends, they may feel awkward, or we may feel awkward, like a third wheel. For those they suggest maybe going out guy/guy or gal/gal.
The bottom line to a lot of the issue is:
-we are living peoples worst fears and they are afraid that it could happen to them. Reality sucks.
-some will see me and think of us as a couple and that is painful to see half of an entity. I can’t change that (I would if I could).
-some people may now view us as “threats” to their world as we are now two single ladies. Don’t worry. I’ve had my love story and it did not include someone’s ex-husband and Taylor’s not interested either.
Some friendships won’t make it… .
Some times people will think we have all this “time to fill” because we don’t have our mate to hang out with. What they don’t realize is that a life built for two, with divided responsibilities, means twice the work for a single person. It may get difficult and overwhelming to keep up with all my new pressures and stress.
They cheered for Taylor and I as we told them about our first outing and how difficult it was, but we made it. They encouraged us that the first is the biggest step and they are praying for us. There did not make insensitive remarks about “it’s going to get easier” as that may make us feel like we are walking away from Arch instead of carrying him WITH us. They are awesome.
One of the most meaningful discussions was loneliness verses isolation. We kind of defined it as loneliness is a feeling: sadness, where isolation is a state of being: contentment. Hmmmmm…. . We also discussed how we can feel lonely even in a crowded room, so it is not about the proximity to people. Honestly, some of the loneliest people I know are married. Sad, but fixable, if they would so choose.
They also said stepping out and meeting people who didn’t know us as a couple may build confidence. No one will be looking for our missing “other half.” They will be excited when we come to an event not relating it to the absence of someone. Someday… .
We really hashed through a lot. Cried a lot. Spoke of the additional fears of loosing the ones around us. By the end of the night we were tired. Home and bed sounded good, but that was not the plan.
We got home alright, but home wasn’t…alright. We walked into the living room and the shutters that are always in the window were strewn across the floor. We have a shelf of barn wood and our village that wraps partially around the living room but trees were hanging and some were laying on the floor along with small pieces of fencing. A mess, but why?
We did a walk through of the house and it didn’t look like anything was missing. I thought maybe a tree had fallen on the back part of the house, but since it was dark, I was tired and we had no gaping holes in ceiling or walls, I’d deal with it in the morning.
Today was “Release Day” at work–Yeah! So I needed to be in very early. The “trouble” would have to wait. Off to work.
Taylor came in right before the buzzer, eyes wide,”Mom! I tried to call you but you didn’t answer your phone!” Me: “It’s because I’m at work… . Why, what happened?”
She got into the pantry to get her lunch stuff, the furnace kicked on, and then a big black bird went flying over head! Whaaaaaat? “Is it still in the house?!?!?!” If you don’t know the back ground, click on the link to catch up… . Seriously.
In the eight years we lived in this house we only had one bird come down the chimney that Archie and I had to chase out. Now we’ve had two since he went home. I think the birds have posted a sign on the roof, invisible to human eyes, that reads,”He’s not home. Enter HERE,” with an arrow to the chimney. I’m just saying… .
No. Wow. She got the bird out of the house ALL BY HERSELF. I about burst into tears. In the last two months she has grown and done things way out of her comfort zone, and lived to tell about it.
Philippians 4:13″I can do all this through him who gives me strength”
He did, so she did. Lesson learned.
Chris, the administrator of my blog, asked me to remind people that if they want an easy way to read my journey4home, there is a subscription button on the right and it’s free. It’s just to make it easier, and that’s what Chris does for a living: he writes programs to make things easy.
Thanks again, Chris, for giving me a place to clear my head and try to make sense of the lessons my Heavenly Dad is teaching me.