Going back….have you left somewhere for a while, then returned not knowing what to expect? Taylor did that today.
She ended her internship with a local company in December, the month she started at Heartfelt. They had offered her full time, but she had taken a step back and looked at the lives of the people she worked with and at her Dad’s life, as it was a sister company. She determined that was not the life she wanted. She didn’t want to sell her moments, she wanted to live them. Three weeks later Archie was diagnosed with cancer. Decision well made.
Financially, that was a hard call. The one thing she misses about the idea of the job, other than the money, or loving the actual work she did, was the people she worked with daily and the vendors with whom she built relationships. Today she ran invitations in to her former co-workers for her graduation. This was the first time she’s been back…. .
I was worried for her. She is so very raw from loosing her dad, I didn’t know if walking into the place she had spent 8 months, her dad was one of her vendors, and where she had built relationships, would flood her with additional feelings of loss. Thankfully all went well. She stepped away…still feeling lost, but reassured she had made the right decision–no different than when she woke up this morning.
It’s another day of fog, for Taylor. She has 1 week 5 days left of class. All she sees is the day directly in front of her and the long list of to-dos. She feels little hope for she can’t see past the “have to’s”. She is tired. She has been running for so long, the grief is picking up speed as she is loosing momentum. She cries so much more now…and that is exhausting in and of itself. Couple with that a full time job and school, she is loosing heart, and feeling hopeless. You would think being this close to the end of 16 years of school would bring relief, wouldn’t you? Instead, it is just more questions, more concerns: student loans, using her degree, feeling needed, feeling like she’s making a difference, feeling like she was created for a purpose…. .
Psalm 42:5 You feel hopeless because there’s so much despair in the world. Remember that you are in the world and not of the world. The Holy Spirit within you can stir up hope if you will believe in the sovereignty of God in spite of the wickedness of the world.
I shared this verse with Taylor today. We joked about the meaning of the word “sovereignty”, something she and her dad would have done. Now it’s just the two of us, and I’m not nearly as funny. We still talked about how hope isn’t in the things or situations but in the all powerful, all controlling God that loves her. If she/we just focus on the fog, the wickedness of the world, the living for the things that the world says are important that are really filled with….nothing….things that leave us feeling empty, we will never have hope.
Hope is expecting, anticipating, aspiring to….hope is amazing…right up there with “grace”. Hope can be difficult. Often you cannot concentrate on what circumstance you are in. We trust in our heavenly Dad that things are going to get better…someday, even if it doesn’t feel like it, but now we are getting into faith.
…..and that’s for another day.