Last week when Taylor and I were out and about the unavoidable happened. She excused herself to use the restroom and, out of habit, I grabbed my phone to text Archie. As soon as the light flashed on I got the sick feeling in my stomach with the realization that he wasn’t on the other end of the line nor would he ever be.
Taylor came out to a puddle.
Ever since, I have not kept my phone on me as consistently as previous to the incident. They warned in Grief Share that at around 3 months things can get worse. It’s only been 7 weeks….I think I’m a little ahead of schedule.
It’s the strangest thing: I know he’s gone. I’ve accepted that, I hate it, but that fact won’t change. Somewhere programmed in this 45 year old mind are connections that respond like muscle memory, automatically, without thought or reason.
We haven’t covered that in Grief Share…. . It’s like I create my own stumbling blocks of pain, with no effort of my own. I’m shooting myself in the foot.
I am guessing that it is a culmination of Taylor’s upcoming graduation along with the sadness of Archie’s baby. Together these are magnifying my grief as the “holes” in my life are gaping at the moment.
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,”
Archie and I had our time of dancing…we took dance lessons when Taylor was 5. She’d take her dolly and dance with it while Arch and I practiced–she was so cute.
We learned the fox trot, swing (our favorite), and a waltz. One of our favorite memories was when we were counting our steps, Archie leading, and we danced our way…into a wall. Oh we laughed! He said,”Well, we know you trust me enough to lead you into a wall!”
Today I was thinking a lot of our dancing days. All the attempts, successes, and all the errors. One of the things I loved most about our relationship was the freedom to fail miserably in front of and with each other. We knew the other would never laugh or make fun for trying our best. That is one of the things I will miss most…hearing,”You’ll get it the next time.” That included when we danced into the wall. Practice made perfect (and lots of laughter, together).
At Archie’s funeral we played Archie and my song. Today I played it and cried…so I played it again and again. We never made it to the part where our dancing grew slow, but it sings of our dancing through the hurricanes where we had to cling to each other for dear life–married life.
We never saw the seasons come again……please, dance while you still have time. Never take for granted the gentle breezes and and hold on as if there were a hurricane coming. Listen to the heartbeat of the other as the most beautiful melody God gave for just you to listen. It’s His gift. The most wonderful sound in all the world…. .