Grief Share #3….didn’t want to go. Tired. Tired of the battles with insurance companies, tired of carrying a life built for two…alone. It’s heavy. Tired of crying, everyday.
Some look at me and and tell me with their eyes I should be healing…. . They need to look away. It hurts. If they don’t, I will walk away and I don’t want to…but I will. I maybe weak, but I am strong enough to take that first step….away.
Will I ever feel somewhat normal? The painful realization: no. My definition of normal is dependent on my tandem life, with Archie in the front, blocking the initial gusts as the wind tries to hold us back. I never had to feel the foremost blast. Arch didn’t mind because he liked the scenery from the front. I enjoyed the safety of the back (and the view was pretty good too 😉 ).
Grief share spoke of six things we need to learn, but we only covered four:
Acceptance: he’s not coming back.
Turning to God: If I hadn’t already been doing that, I probably would be a permanent resident at a local funny farm–without the humor.
Express you emotions: If I cried anymore, the facial tissue company should start paying me for advertising.
Establish a new identity: yikes…
They asked us what our favorite restaurant was along with the dish. Wow! Even Taylor knew mom was in trouble with this one.
Archie loved to eat out. He agonized, however, on the cost because he said why spend the money when we can make the same meal at home. True. So for his birthday two years ago Taylor and I did,”The seven days of Archie.” What that meant was that we took him out to eat every night for seven days. He said it was the best birthday EVER. This year work was too busy….he couldn’t get off. Taylor and I got him gift cards to four or five different restaurants to use,”when he had time.” He was thrilled and couldn’t wait to go, someday. Like everything else, someday never came.
I love food, but to taste a “bite of this and a spoon of that.” Arch said I was a cheap date. To sit down to a meal was really boring, unless it was a buffet. But I still loved to go because Archie just beamed. It was worth every penny to see the smile on his face, no matter where we went.
My favorite restaurant: I have absolutely no idea. My favorite dish: again, not a clue. Not even the style of food. I used to love Chinese above anything else, but now bbq has been introduced in such a distinct manor, how do I choose?
And this is only one of many topics to define myself. Really? You would think they would start with an easier question……or did they? How do I redefine myself?!?!
Romans 12:6-7 “Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching;”
So according to this, I have unique gifts or talents….just for me, not as “Archie and me,” “Archie’s wife,” or even “Taylor’s Mom”. I am suppose to use them.
Ephesians 2:10 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
The way I read this, my heavenly Dad has given me these gifts/talents to be used for His good and He has already prepared opportunities for me to use them. I should walk to/agree to do the opportunities God lays out for me.
Proverbs 16:3 “Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.”
Commit you work to to Lord…..take whatever the gift/talent and agree to use them in His service and the plans will,”All come together.”
Hmmmm…..as it is written, so I will believe. Talents and gifts….? I think the first thing I’ll do is ask my heavenly Dad to reveal them to me. The second step appears as though the ball is in God’s court: he has laid out opportunities for me to use them, so I need to be ready to say,”yes” when the opportunities present themselves.
The single most important point of the talent/gift promise appears to be me committing to use these to serve the Lord.
New Identity w/fulfillment and purpose in place of emptiness, loneliness, and chaos.
Wait…..this doesn’t look like these were specific for widows…. . Excuse me for asking, but doesn’t this appear to apply to YOU, as well? What are your gifts/talents aside from your spouse, children, parents, work, or best friend? What opportunities have presented themselves? What did you say?
What will you say NOW?