A while back I spoke of my adventurous side. That also has an unbearable counterpart: uneasiness. I tend to anticipate. That’s why I stay busy. It’s the waiting that makes me uncomfortable, even when I don’t know what I am waiting for.
When Archie would work a lot, that’s when I had to volunteer or do SOMETHING, because inside I wanted to RUN!!!! I don’t even know where, but I need to GO. Now he’s not coming home and I have all these fires to put out due to the circumstances surrounding his illness. Today everywhere I turned I was leaking money….. . Home isn’t safe because they call less than 30 days from initial statement. My safe haven is not so safe anymore. It’s been invaded.
After check number three in 45 minutes for things benefiting nothing for we who are living, I wanted to run….on the inside. In my head my eyes are fluttering from one thing to the next, scanning….where do I go? Where can I hide? How can I get away….from this: the unknown….the never ending….nothing? Wow! This is not who I am.
Arch would keep me focused. There was a dream, a goal, we were working on it together. The fairy tale ending, right? It didn’t happen like that.
Now it’s just me….and it’s just survival. It’s getting through one day at a time with a roof over our heads and enough in the bank for the next hand that’s held out. Those are the thoughts that are racing through my head.
Wait….I’m not alone. God has provided in some crazy ways lately. He will not leave me, ever.
Psalm 91:2 “I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Psalm 46:3 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.2 Therefore we will not fear
though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah
” That means the end or Amen.
What I see is:
“God is my refuge”
“we will not fear though……. “
I do fear. I do want to run, but I don’t, because there is someone bigger than me, stronger than any trial I face, and controls the very spinning of the world. That is freakn’ amazing. Having fear or doubts does not mean I am going to hell or I am not “saved/a Christian,” it means I’m human…and so are you.
What do I do when I need (seriously, I breath hard, my pulse races and I want to jump out of my skin–not that you would understand) to run? I stop. I pray…a lot! Sometimes it’s just,”help me, please help me, Father, please….I need your help.” Just breathing those words….admitting to myself that I am not ever alone…… . I AM running….to Him. That’s enough.