Baby Step Moments

Last night when Taylor and I were going through Nappanee we saw the theatre was playing Batman vs Superman–Archie was pretty excited about seeing that movie. My heart sunk when I saw it: his movie, his theatre….the theatre where we saw the movie on our honeymoon…. .

I was talking to one other widow (I am still not comfortable with that term). One of the things that’s hardest is the realization that this is,  “another thing he missed… .”

It wouldn’t have even phased me if he hadn’t been looking forward to seeing it. I hurt for him and he’s not even here….that sounds so strange. That happens in many things: the things I eat, the movies we watch, everything in motion was planned with Archie.

Chris, my office buddy, and I were talking about this subject today. I understand why they say the first year is going to be the hardest. Arch and I had things we were going to do together when his cancer was “over.” Now everytime I do one of them, I feel like I am cheating on him. I know that’s not healthy…but at least I’m being honest.

The people in the group who have been cooping longer than me (they keep saying,”this is still fresh for you.” Does it get stale? Just sayn). Most purposefully go out and do things with other people even if they were homebodies before. Taylor loves being around people and finds it healing. I….find it exhausting. I love work and being around the people/family at work. When I get home, I’m done. Going out just sounds like another “to do.”

I wonder if that is because I am still battling so many of the areas associated with getting a “singular” life. It’s exhausting to make calls and have to explain, for the ten thousandth time, that my husband has passed away so I need to make arrangements for things to come in my name…blah, blah, blah. This part of the journey to singleness is stinky.

I am planning a day for Taylor and I to get away together to celebrate her finishing college. Arch and I had planned something much bigger as we thought she earned it after 3 straight years of college, no summer breaks. Financially….it’s just me now. We can do a lot in a day… .

I was telling Chris the more I do that “we” didn’t plan will probably help, but right now I’m just so tired…. .

I put my name in to join a group of ladies over 40 who do short, inexpensive, outdoor activities. One day…. .

I kinda sound like I need to read my own blog “Lamp Shade Identified as Self-Consciousness” but I know these are just symptoms of grief and (supposedly) will get better with time. My heads knows it….it’s just the 18 inches to my heart that gets in the way. Besides, it’s not like I can pretend the last 27 years were for naught. They molded me, sometimes through massive pain, into who I am today and Archie was very proud of me. He told me that all the time…. :_(.

Psalms 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wound”

I’m still very wounded, but healing. Two night ago I had a real break through! The afternoon Arch passed he had called me at work and asked me to come home. In the 10 minutes it took to drive….he was gone. The image of finding him has been an incredible burden and every time I think about I’d cry. Two nights ago I allowed myself to think…remember….and I didn’t cry. Baby steps, one moment at a time.

 

One thought on “Baby Step Moments

  1. You hit on a big one. Several patients have talked to me about the guilt of survivorship. You’re doing some great stuff. You’re right – baby steps. Praying for your journey. Love you guys.

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